Week 24

(EDITORS NOTE: This week a great injustice was perpetrated in my hometown. Once again America was shown exactly how much value the life of a an African American carries, and the country has been tearing itself apart ever since. I know that now would be the time to say something profound and speak on the matter, but I don't have it in me. Truth be told I've been focusing all of my energy these past few days on not completely losing myself. That's why I'm choosing to use this blog to help take my mind off of matters. Besides, I can say confidently that no one reading this would want me to breathe life into the thoughts in my head.)

 We live in a time of infinite possibilities. Where the most powerful computers fit in the palm of your hand, and televisions have higher IQs than most college grads. Where missiles can pin point the big toe of an enemy combat, and dating apps allow for Darwinism to take place in the speed of light. So, baring all of that in mind, I would just like to say that there's a good chance I have aliens living in the apartment next door.

     Ok, first of all, shut up. I'm not crazy. I just happen to think that there are intelligent beings from another galaxy living next door to me in an apartment complex in Van Nuys, California.

SHUT UP!

    I already know your next question. Do you have proof? And you know what? I don't. But I have a really strong gut feeling, and my gut always leads me to good places; Imos, Wing Stop, Pei King, etc. And I trust my gut right now. Here's my evidence.

•      Since some time in October an eclectic group of people have gone in an out of that apartment. All different shapes, sizes, races, and species (I'll explain the species part in a second).  And always in groups of twos.
• Aside from the first two people,  a white couple around my age, I haven't seen anyone come in and out of the apartment more than once. After seeing the couple twice, next was a middle aged white male in business attire and a little kid maybe 3 or 4 years old. Then the other day was a college aged black girl with a little chihuahua. Always in groups of twos.
• Though I never hear any footsteps, barking, or crying, the door opens and closes frequently.

Now I know that none of this is definitive evidence. I would, however, just like to go on the record and say that the other day while I was first piecing all of this together I got the faint taste of blood in my mouth. At first I waved it off as some weird after taste from breakfast. But as it persisted I started to wonder. On a hunch I blew my nose, and the amount of blood that came out was enough to fill the first 6 minutes of an episode of CSI.


So in the event that I disappear off the face of the Earth, you all are my witnesses.

Merry Christmas from Hevy Williams

Week 22/23

I've never really lost "feelings" before. I wonder where they go........

       Well, things as of late have been a little....stale, for lack of a better term. Work is work. I'm thankful for the paycheck, but I also miss looking forward to going to work everyday. Friends are...nonexistent for the most part. Doesn't seem like much has changed since I left St. Louis.

    I'm still trying. God help me I'm trying. Doing my best to change myself. To become worthy. But staying focused is difficult. In fact there are are days when I contemplate packing up and leaving in the middle of the night. And if all of this sounds familiar, that's because it's the same bullshit I've been spouting for the last 3 years. I'm just not sure what else I need to do.

     The one thing I am sure of right now is that I can't wait to go home. I need to recharge. Reassure myself that I left for a reason. Remind myself that I couldn't grow any further there. Maybe then it will all make sense again.

Fall is in full affect.....

Week 21

(DISCLAIMER: the transition has my thoughts in a jumbled mass. Be warned, this probably won't make sense.)

     This is difficult. I knew it would be. The climb is never easy when you're looking up at the entire mountain. And I've made this climb so many times before, only to slide right back to the bottom. And it hurts. Deeper than any pain I've ever felt. How do you embrace the pain that let's you know you're alive, when all you want to do is scream for death?

    And then there are the thoughts. I don't feel like I've ever worked hard. I can't help but feel like making it this far has just been a fluke. Visions of what I want, and who I want.  They slow me down. I must constantly remind myself that I can not have them, because I do not deserve them. Not yet. And if I don't succeed, then maybe not ever. But after all, if I can't earn it then I don't truly deserve it. And I definitely don't deserve HER.

     You never think you'll have to rebel against your own mind. Every thought you've had before now betrays you. Tries to force you to believe that you are going the wrong way; doing the wrong thing. Yet, still, you fight. Retrain, reshape, and reassociate. The goal is not to get the girl, but to get the girl to want me. Adapt to survive. This fight has only just begun.

     

Week 20

That time is over. Time to start anew.

     There's really no point on dwelling on anything that came before now. It's gone, and life doesn't slow down to let you catch up. And I know damn well that that is a terribly difficult concept to grasp. But it must be grasped. Only then can we move forward.

"You have to realize that someday you will die. Until you do that, you are useless." Tyler Durden

     Up until now I've been going about this all wrong; trying to achieve my goals in spite of the obstacles. But instead of trying to go around them, I should've been barreling straight through. Eliminate the obstacle so that it will never be in my way again. That is what I must do now. I can't change the world, but I can change myself to be better suited for it. And not for HER, or for them, or for you, but for myself. For too long have I been weak. Too long have I been complacent. No more.

From here on out I must think differently. Act differently. Live differently. I must become someone better. Or die trying.

"I don't care if it hurts/I want to have control/I want a perfect body/I want a perfect soul..." - Radiohead

Week 19

Damn glad that week is over with. Now just for the rest of this month.....

     

     I assume that for most people there are weeks in which we can't possibly figure out how we'll survive. This was definitely one of those weeks for me. Each day was a test of fortitude and patience, and I'm pretty sure I failed most of them. And yet, through it all I'm still here. I made it.

So then why am I still so bummed out?

     Halloween is usually my favorite time of the year. The temperature cools, the leaves change color, pumpkin spice lattes are back on the menu, and all things scary are openly accepted. It's wonderful. 

But this October has been anything but. Between the psychotic things going on at work and a magnificently disappointing personal life (see Memoir), this Halloween season has been pretty damn awful. Here's a perfect representation of what my 18th week of living here did to me:

     Cue week 19. Everything we've been filming thus far has led up to this week. And holy shit did they make us earn it. It's been quite a while since I've been this physically and mentally exhausted. Earlier this evening my dad had to remind me that I had spoken to my mother on the phone just the day before. I honestly thought that conversation happened a week ago. Damn. 

     And here I am, having survived the first 3 weeks of this month, and what is my reward? Halloween is on a Friday and yet I have zero plans. I haven't been to a single haunted house, which is my FAVORITE thing to do during this time of year. And, what's worse, Christmas commercials have already begun to run on television, which just makes me miss home. Jesus. When do the bad times become the good times again?

     

Memoir

A 42.
Bouncing on my heels as I wait for the boarding to begin.
I stare at the carpet trying to memorize the design. It hits.
This isn't happening. It's already happened. Boarding didn't take forever.
That's just how I remember it.

Stepping into the rail car. It's different in the day time.
7 stops until I get there. May as well be 50.
The stinging heat of the car isn't enough to dispel my thoughts.
I'm still on the train. It's taking me back from whence I came.
I've arrived already. The first ride is just what I remember.

Civic Center. My phone rings and she says she can't find me.
I say look left and we're in each others arms. It doesn't happen there.
A walk, a talk, and bus ride. A tour and introduction.
A change of clothes and another bus ride.
The first night that I'll remember.

Thumping music and tall glasses. Adios.
The dance floor is empty but that's never stopped her. She's all it needs.
Songs I've never heard become instant favorites. Thinking of heading to the floor.
The glass is empty and I feel every drop. Time to move to the next spot.
This place was fun. I wonder if I'll remember it.

A few blocks away we find our next stop. A black and purple logo light the way.
Inside we find more drinks and more friends. The night is turning out right.
A drink or 3 and it's time to dance. I haven't been this ME in long time.
Dancers line the wall as we decide to move on. Back to the last place that I remember.

The Cafe welcomes us back with ID checks and cover charges.
The dance floor is filled now. Looks to be more welcoming.
Everyone picks their spots. Mine is never far from her.
That's where it happens. Lips lock for the first time. Almost 10 years in the making.
"Am I wrong? For thinking that we could be something for real?"
That's how I'll always remember it.

More drinks in more places. Future hangovers beckon us home.
I sleep next to her. This night won't be easy for anyone.
And just as if it were sent as a punishment, soon the sun is pulling us from the safety of sleep.
Everything hurts. Not a pain killer in sight. I still smell like last night. Can't stop smiling.
Breakfast and laughs. A tale of computer love and a nap. Not a bad way to remember it.

The time has come. The reason I'm here.
Another change of clothes. Friends becoming friends. An evening walk.
The line outside stretches across the square. Excitement grows as the marquee becomes clearer.
So many pretty faces. So many beautiful bodies. And what I remember is not caring.

Our crush kicks it off. We each admire everything about her.
She's gone too quickly. The worst. Then it's the man from the Studio.
Before I know it, it's finally time. The King of the Fall. Jam.
By the end my throat is sore from singing every song. We all leave in bliss.
That's how I want to remember it.

So many emotions wake us the next morning. There wasn't enough time.
Good feelings are still fueled from the night before. I just want to lay here.
A nice talk after the show made everything alright. Still there's nothing harder than the leaving.
She cleans. Everything. I wonder if I've done something. But I think it's what I'm about to do.
Another walk. Another bus ride. A kiss and long embrace. I head down into the train station.
Wanted to look back is all I can remember.

In an instant I'm back. Really no time at all.
Like coming down from a high. I just wait to see what I feel like doing next.
I clean. Everything. It helps, or so I tell myself. I think she would be proud.
I try not to text her, message her, or call. I don't know if I'm doing it for her or myself.
I know more had to happen this day, but I just can't remember it.

Tuesday. I've never liked them. No reason to at all.
Back to work. People notice my smile. I let them assume why it's there.
And then it's gone. My phone keeps buzzing as her messages roll in.
It's not working. It's too much. It can't be done. We can't be.
I've been here before. I don't remember how to feel.

Now it's all gone. Nearly 3 days of what I needed and I can't see it anymore.
I know that it happened. I know I had a great time.
I know I made friends. I know made friends of friends.
I know I jammed out, and laughed hard, and fell all over again.
I know I had the time of my life and I know there was something there.
I just wish, with everything, with all that I am, that I could remember it.

Week 16/17

Civic Center - Powell - Montgomery - Embarcadero - West Oakland - Lake Merritt - Fruitvale - OAK
............................................................Aaaaand we're back!

     Damn, it's been awhile. What the hell have I been doing with myself??? Oh yeah, that's right, LIFE! 

Real talk though, I never got a chance to post last week due to work becoming insane damn near overnight. Not that I had much to write about anyway since I was once again on hiatus for the week. But just like Kotter must have said before they started singing to him, I'm back. So here's an update on all the lifey things that have been happening.

     After the hiatus, work hit came back with a vengeance. The 4 days we worked this past week felt longer than the first 3 months on the show. Now on the bright side, it's very likely that we're getting extended until 2015. But after this first week I'm already feeling burnt out. Not to mention I've been feeling like it's way passed time that I moved up in my career. Being low man on the totem pole doesn't do much to motivate one to look towards the future. Truth be told I think about changing careers just as much now as I did when I jobless and living in my parents house. Safe to say I just don't know where I'm headed or where I'm supposed to be. At what point do things start to make sense?

     It's also very possible that the reason this week seem to drag along slower that a walker without feet is that I had a weekend getaway in San Francisco planned. Back in July a good friend of mine thought it'd be a good idea to get tickets to the upcoming King of the Fall tour featuring Jhene Aiko (LAWD HAVE MERCY), Schoolboy Q (meh), and The Weeknd (Abel THA GAWD).  Though I'm only one day removed from the concert, I'm going to go ahead and say that it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. But not because of the concert, which was amazing (read: FUCKING AMAZING), but because it gave me the perfect reason to spend time with someone. 

     

Over the past few weeks, since my week in Oakland, I've been lucky enough to have had a budding relationship with a face from my past. Funny how things work out like that. She's a really cool lady, and somehow hasn't realized how much of a nerd I am or just how, let's say "disheveled"  my life is. So do me and favor and don't tell her. Thanks.

So yeah, that's pretty much it. What's up with you guys?