Memoir

A 42.
Bouncing on my heels as I wait for the boarding to begin.
I stare at the carpet trying to memorize the design. It hits.
This isn't happening. It's already happened. Boarding didn't take forever.
That's just how I remember it.

Stepping into the rail car. It's different in the day time.
7 stops until I get there. May as well be 50.
The stinging heat of the car isn't enough to dispel my thoughts.
I'm still on the train. It's taking me back from whence I came.
I've arrived already. The first ride is just what I remember.

Civic Center. My phone rings and she says she can't find me.
I say look left and we're in each others arms. It doesn't happen there.
A walk, a talk, and bus ride. A tour and introduction.
A change of clothes and another bus ride.
The first night that I'll remember.

Thumping music and tall glasses. Adios.
The dance floor is empty but that's never stopped her. She's all it needs.
Songs I've never heard become instant favorites. Thinking of heading to the floor.
The glass is empty and I feel every drop. Time to move to the next spot.
This place was fun. I wonder if I'll remember it.

A few blocks away we find our next stop. A black and purple logo light the way.
Inside we find more drinks and more friends. The night is turning out right.
A drink or 3 and it's time to dance. I haven't been this ME in long time.
Dancers line the wall as we decide to move on. Back to the last place that I remember.

The Cafe welcomes us back with ID checks and cover charges.
The dance floor is filled now. Looks to be more welcoming.
Everyone picks their spots. Mine is never far from her.
That's where it happens. Lips lock for the first time. Almost 10 years in the making.
"Am I wrong? For thinking that we could be something for real?"
That's how I'll always remember it.

More drinks in more places. Future hangovers beckon us home.
I sleep next to her. This night won't be easy for anyone.
And just as if it were sent as a punishment, soon the sun is pulling us from the safety of sleep.
Everything hurts. Not a pain killer in sight. I still smell like last night. Can't stop smiling.
Breakfast and laughs. A tale of computer love and a nap. Not a bad way to remember it.

The time has come. The reason I'm here.
Another change of clothes. Friends becoming friends. An evening walk.
The line outside stretches across the square. Excitement grows as the marquee becomes clearer.
So many pretty faces. So many beautiful bodies. And what I remember is not caring.

Our crush kicks it off. We each admire everything about her.
She's gone too quickly. The worst. Then it's the man from the Studio.
Before I know it, it's finally time. The King of the Fall. Jam.
By the end my throat is sore from singing every song. We all leave in bliss.
That's how I want to remember it.

So many emotions wake us the next morning. There wasn't enough time.
Good feelings are still fueled from the night before. I just want to lay here.
A nice talk after the show made everything alright. Still there's nothing harder than the leaving.
She cleans. Everything. I wonder if I've done something. But I think it's what I'm about to do.
Another walk. Another bus ride. A kiss and long embrace. I head down into the train station.
Wanted to look back is all I can remember.

In an instant I'm back. Really no time at all.
Like coming down from a high. I just wait to see what I feel like doing next.
I clean. Everything. It helps, or so I tell myself. I think she would be proud.
I try not to text her, message her, or call. I don't know if I'm doing it for her or myself.
I know more had to happen this day, but I just can't remember it.

Tuesday. I've never liked them. No reason to at all.
Back to work. People notice my smile. I let them assume why it's there.
And then it's gone. My phone keeps buzzing as her messages roll in.
It's not working. It's too much. It can't be done. We can't be.
I've been here before. I don't remember how to feel.

Now it's all gone. Nearly 3 days of what I needed and I can't see it anymore.
I know that it happened. I know I had a great time.
I know I made friends. I know made friends of friends.
I know I jammed out, and laughed hard, and fell all over again.
I know I had the time of my life and I know there was something there.
I just wish, with everything, with all that I am, that I could remember it.