This is difficult. I knew it would be. The climb is never easy when you're looking up at the entire mountain. And I've made this climb so many times before, only to slide right back to the bottom. And it hurts. Deeper than any pain I've ever felt. How do you embrace the pain that let's you know you're alive, when all you want to do is scream for death?
And then there are the thoughts. I don't feel like I've ever worked hard. I can't help but feel like making it this far has just been a fluke. Visions of what I want, and who I want. They slow me down. I must constantly remind myself that I can not have them, because I do not deserve them. Not yet. And if I don't succeed, then maybe not ever. But after all, if I can't earn it then I don't truly deserve it. And I definitely don't deserve HER.
You never think you'll have to rebel against your own mind. Every thought you've had before now betrays you. Tries to force you to believe that you are going the wrong way; doing the wrong thing. Yet, still, you fight. Retrain, reshape, and reassociate. The goal is not to get the girl, but to get the girl to want me. Adapt to survive. This fight has only just begun.
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