Week 27

Perhaps the truest test of adulthood is to not go running back home as soon as things get tough.

     Anyone who's spoken to me lately knows that all I've been able to think about is coming back home for the holidays. It's the only thing that's gotten me through the last few weeks, especially with work pushing me closer and closer to the point of fuck it. I've been relying on this trip as a sort of recharge. But now that I'm here, I think I'm realizing that it's not going to be that easy.

     It's true that going home makes us revert back to our old selves. Old habits and desires. Even feelings for old crushes. So far I've had no desire other than to act like a lazy child. And it's nice, to be honest. But there's something else there. The unnerving feeling that it's all just a facade. Things aren't really this good. They never have been. This is a problem I've always had with vacations; the knowing that it's all going to end very soon.

      And the cold hard truth of the matter is that I do have to go back. No matter how much I may think I want to stay. No matter how much I think I'll be happier back here in the place where I was never really happy before. This isn't where I belong, and I cannot be allowed to forget that. No matter how much I wish I could.

Oh yeah, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Week 26

Secrets...........Yup

     If I know anything it's that everyone has secrets. Big and small. Short and tall. I don't know a single person who isn't keeping AT LEAST one secret from me and other people. And although we rarely think about it, secrets are a big part of life.

     I'm writing this because I too have secrets. And lately they've been on my mind quite a bit. Whether we realize it or not, secrets tend to run our lives. We orchestrate things in order that no one ever find out what we are keeping. We go to great lengths to make sure no one find out what lies within the darkest corners of our minds.

     I guess I should apologize to anyone who believed that by the end of this post that they would learn my secret(s). As it stands I have no intention of revealing what has been plaguing my mind. Too many eyes may see this, and I'm not ready for the truth to be released. But rest assured that there is something there, and I doubt it will go away anytime soon. And I wonder if she knows.

     

Week 25

Love.....ok, here we go.

     Anyone even remotely close, or who's friends with me on Facebook, knows that I am a firm believer in love. And not just the notion of roses, heart-shaped boxes, and Nat King Cole songs. I believe in the all of the laughter, sorrow, smiling, crying, heartache, joy, and overall work that goes into making love last. And it seems that believing that puts me in the minority in this day and age. And, if you really think about it, maybe it should.

     We live in a strange time. A time of Facebook and Twitter and an unrealistic expectation of instant gratification. A time of Twilight and 50 Shades of Gray and Justin Bieber. I'm not sure what that las thing has to do with anything, but my point is that we live in a very different time from whence our parents and grandparents came. So different that the old fashioned ideals about relationships and love may no longer fit. People these days don't have the patience for long relationships. They want love, and they want it now. And not just that, but they also need their significant other to look like Jennifer Lawrence or Liam Hemsworth. Anything else would be settling, and this is not a generation of settling. 

     Wether you agree with any of this doesn't matter, because you have to admit that changing of the times have rewired the minds of our generation. We've been raised to believe that love is recognizable from the start, and if it isn't there then, then it will never be. We've also become too accustomed to kids coming before marriage, and single parent households. All the while we scream for tradition to be upheld. For people to hold out for their true love and to recognize that there are more important things than looks and money. But maybe it's those of us screaming that need to evolve with the times. Maybe I need to evolve.

     

     Well, let's give this a shot. First thing to realize is that looks matter. There's no point in searching for love if you're not going to look the part, so keep your shit together and be attractive. Next, realize that sex is a must. The days of giving the relationship time before giving your body to someone are over. A lot of people (mostly guys) aren't willing to wait around, so if you want a chance, you've got to change up your mindset. But mostly, if you want real love, you've got to be ready to be completely miserable. Chances are you're going to come across quite a few assholes and bitches in your quest for everlasting happiness, and the hardest thing you'll have to do is pick up the pieces of your heart over and over again after these individuals get down with it. And even then nothing is guaranteed. I wish I believed that love came for all us, but I don't. I can't. But I do hope that those of you who are destined for it will recognize it when it arrives, and not just throw it away because it doesn't look like Taylor Lautner. 

     

Week 24

(EDITORS NOTE: This week a great injustice was perpetrated in my hometown. Once again America was shown exactly how much value the life of a an African American carries, and the country has been tearing itself apart ever since. I know that now would be the time to say something profound and speak on the matter, but I don't have it in me. Truth be told I've been focusing all of my energy these past few days on not completely losing myself. That's why I'm choosing to use this blog to help take my mind off of matters. Besides, I can say confidently that no one reading this would want me to breathe life into the thoughts in my head.)

 We live in a time of infinite possibilities. Where the most powerful computers fit in the palm of your hand, and televisions have higher IQs than most college grads. Where missiles can pin point the big toe of an enemy combat, and dating apps allow for Darwinism to take place in the speed of light. So, baring all of that in mind, I would just like to say that there's a good chance I have aliens living in the apartment next door.

     Ok, first of all, shut up. I'm not crazy. I just happen to think that there are intelligent beings from another galaxy living next door to me in an apartment complex in Van Nuys, California.

SHUT UP!

    I already know your next question. Do you have proof? And you know what? I don't. But I have a really strong gut feeling, and my gut always leads me to good places; Imos, Wing Stop, Pei King, etc. And I trust my gut right now. Here's my evidence.

•      Since some time in October an eclectic group of people have gone in an out of that apartment. All different shapes, sizes, races, and species (I'll explain the species part in a second).  And always in groups of twos.
• Aside from the first two people,  a white couple around my age, I haven't seen anyone come in and out of the apartment more than once. After seeing the couple twice, next was a middle aged white male in business attire and a little kid maybe 3 or 4 years old. Then the other day was a college aged black girl with a little chihuahua. Always in groups of twos.
• Though I never hear any footsteps, barking, or crying, the door opens and closes frequently.

Now I know that none of this is definitive evidence. I would, however, just like to go on the record and say that the other day while I was first piecing all of this together I got the faint taste of blood in my mouth. At first I waved it off as some weird after taste from breakfast. But as it persisted I started to wonder. On a hunch I blew my nose, and the amount of blood that came out was enough to fill the first 6 minutes of an episode of CSI.


So in the event that I disappear off the face of the Earth, you all are my witnesses.

Merry Christmas from Hevy Williams

Week 22/23

I've never really lost "feelings" before. I wonder where they go........

       Well, things as of late have been a little....stale, for lack of a better term. Work is work. I'm thankful for the paycheck, but I also miss looking forward to going to work everyday. Friends are...nonexistent for the most part. Doesn't seem like much has changed since I left St. Louis.

    I'm still trying. God help me I'm trying. Doing my best to change myself. To become worthy. But staying focused is difficult. In fact there are are days when I contemplate packing up and leaving in the middle of the night. And if all of this sounds familiar, that's because it's the same bullshit I've been spouting for the last 3 years. I'm just not sure what else I need to do.

     The one thing I am sure of right now is that I can't wait to go home. I need to recharge. Reassure myself that I left for a reason. Remind myself that I couldn't grow any further there. Maybe then it will all make sense again.

Fall is in full affect.....

Week 21

(DISCLAIMER: the transition has my thoughts in a jumbled mass. Be warned, this probably won't make sense.)

     This is difficult. I knew it would be. The climb is never easy when you're looking up at the entire mountain. And I've made this climb so many times before, only to slide right back to the bottom. And it hurts. Deeper than any pain I've ever felt. How do you embrace the pain that let's you know you're alive, when all you want to do is scream for death?

    And then there are the thoughts. I don't feel like I've ever worked hard. I can't help but feel like making it this far has just been a fluke. Visions of what I want, and who I want.  They slow me down. I must constantly remind myself that I can not have them, because I do not deserve them. Not yet. And if I don't succeed, then maybe not ever. But after all, if I can't earn it then I don't truly deserve it. And I definitely don't deserve HER.

     You never think you'll have to rebel against your own mind. Every thought you've had before now betrays you. Tries to force you to believe that you are going the wrong way; doing the wrong thing. Yet, still, you fight. Retrain, reshape, and reassociate. The goal is not to get the girl, but to get the girl to want me. Adapt to survive. This fight has only just begun.

     

Week 20

That time is over. Time to start anew.

     There's really no point on dwelling on anything that came before now. It's gone, and life doesn't slow down to let you catch up. And I know damn well that that is a terribly difficult concept to grasp. But it must be grasped. Only then can we move forward.

"You have to realize that someday you will die. Until you do that, you are useless." Tyler Durden

     Up until now I've been going about this all wrong; trying to achieve my goals in spite of the obstacles. But instead of trying to go around them, I should've been barreling straight through. Eliminate the obstacle so that it will never be in my way again. That is what I must do now. I can't change the world, but I can change myself to be better suited for it. And not for HER, or for them, or for you, but for myself. For too long have I been weak. Too long have I been complacent. No more.

From here on out I must think differently. Act differently. Live differently. I must become someone better. Or die trying.

"I don't care if it hurts/I want to have control/I want a perfect body/I want a perfect soul..." - Radiohead

Week 19

Damn glad that week is over with. Now just for the rest of this month.....

     

     I assume that for most people there are weeks in which we can't possibly figure out how we'll survive. This was definitely one of those weeks for me. Each day was a test of fortitude and patience, and I'm pretty sure I failed most of them. And yet, through it all I'm still here. I made it.

So then why am I still so bummed out?

     Halloween is usually my favorite time of the year. The temperature cools, the leaves change color, pumpkin spice lattes are back on the menu, and all things scary are openly accepted. It's wonderful. 

But this October has been anything but. Between the psychotic things going on at work and a magnificently disappointing personal life (see Memoir), this Halloween season has been pretty damn awful. Here's a perfect representation of what my 18th week of living here did to me:

     Cue week 19. Everything we've been filming thus far has led up to this week. And holy shit did they make us earn it. It's been quite a while since I've been this physically and mentally exhausted. Earlier this evening my dad had to remind me that I had spoken to my mother on the phone just the day before. I honestly thought that conversation happened a week ago. Damn. 

     And here I am, having survived the first 3 weeks of this month, and what is my reward? Halloween is on a Friday and yet I have zero plans. I haven't been to a single haunted house, which is my FAVORITE thing to do during this time of year. And, what's worse, Christmas commercials have already begun to run on television, which just makes me miss home. Jesus. When do the bad times become the good times again?

     

Memoir

A 42.
Bouncing on my heels as I wait for the boarding to begin.
I stare at the carpet trying to memorize the design. It hits.
This isn't happening. It's already happened. Boarding didn't take forever.
That's just how I remember it.

Stepping into the rail car. It's different in the day time.
7 stops until I get there. May as well be 50.
The stinging heat of the car isn't enough to dispel my thoughts.
I'm still on the train. It's taking me back from whence I came.
I've arrived already. The first ride is just what I remember.

Civic Center. My phone rings and she says she can't find me.
I say look left and we're in each others arms. It doesn't happen there.
A walk, a talk, and bus ride. A tour and introduction.
A change of clothes and another bus ride.
The first night that I'll remember.

Thumping music and tall glasses. Adios.
The dance floor is empty but that's never stopped her. She's all it needs.
Songs I've never heard become instant favorites. Thinking of heading to the floor.
The glass is empty and I feel every drop. Time to move to the next spot.
This place was fun. I wonder if I'll remember it.

A few blocks away we find our next stop. A black and purple logo light the way.
Inside we find more drinks and more friends. The night is turning out right.
A drink or 3 and it's time to dance. I haven't been this ME in long time.
Dancers line the wall as we decide to move on. Back to the last place that I remember.

The Cafe welcomes us back with ID checks and cover charges.
The dance floor is filled now. Looks to be more welcoming.
Everyone picks their spots. Mine is never far from her.
That's where it happens. Lips lock for the first time. Almost 10 years in the making.
"Am I wrong? For thinking that we could be something for real?"
That's how I'll always remember it.

More drinks in more places. Future hangovers beckon us home.
I sleep next to her. This night won't be easy for anyone.
And just as if it were sent as a punishment, soon the sun is pulling us from the safety of sleep.
Everything hurts. Not a pain killer in sight. I still smell like last night. Can't stop smiling.
Breakfast and laughs. A tale of computer love and a nap. Not a bad way to remember it.

The time has come. The reason I'm here.
Another change of clothes. Friends becoming friends. An evening walk.
The line outside stretches across the square. Excitement grows as the marquee becomes clearer.
So many pretty faces. So many beautiful bodies. And what I remember is not caring.

Our crush kicks it off. We each admire everything about her.
She's gone too quickly. The worst. Then it's the man from the Studio.
Before I know it, it's finally time. The King of the Fall. Jam.
By the end my throat is sore from singing every song. We all leave in bliss.
That's how I want to remember it.

So many emotions wake us the next morning. There wasn't enough time.
Good feelings are still fueled from the night before. I just want to lay here.
A nice talk after the show made everything alright. Still there's nothing harder than the leaving.
She cleans. Everything. I wonder if I've done something. But I think it's what I'm about to do.
Another walk. Another bus ride. A kiss and long embrace. I head down into the train station.
Wanted to look back is all I can remember.

In an instant I'm back. Really no time at all.
Like coming down from a high. I just wait to see what I feel like doing next.
I clean. Everything. It helps, or so I tell myself. I think she would be proud.
I try not to text her, message her, or call. I don't know if I'm doing it for her or myself.
I know more had to happen this day, but I just can't remember it.

Tuesday. I've never liked them. No reason to at all.
Back to work. People notice my smile. I let them assume why it's there.
And then it's gone. My phone keeps buzzing as her messages roll in.
It's not working. It's too much. It can't be done. We can't be.
I've been here before. I don't remember how to feel.

Now it's all gone. Nearly 3 days of what I needed and I can't see it anymore.
I know that it happened. I know I had a great time.
I know I made friends. I know made friends of friends.
I know I jammed out, and laughed hard, and fell all over again.
I know I had the time of my life and I know there was something there.
I just wish, with everything, with all that I am, that I could remember it.

Week 16/17

Civic Center - Powell - Montgomery - Embarcadero - West Oakland - Lake Merritt - Fruitvale - OAK
............................................................Aaaaand we're back!

     Damn, it's been awhile. What the hell have I been doing with myself??? Oh yeah, that's right, LIFE! 

Real talk though, I never got a chance to post last week due to work becoming insane damn near overnight. Not that I had much to write about anyway since I was once again on hiatus for the week. But just like Kotter must have said before they started singing to him, I'm back. So here's an update on all the lifey things that have been happening.

     After the hiatus, work hit came back with a vengeance. The 4 days we worked this past week felt longer than the first 3 months on the show. Now on the bright side, it's very likely that we're getting extended until 2015. But after this first week I'm already feeling burnt out. Not to mention I've been feeling like it's way passed time that I moved up in my career. Being low man on the totem pole doesn't do much to motivate one to look towards the future. Truth be told I think about changing careers just as much now as I did when I jobless and living in my parents house. Safe to say I just don't know where I'm headed or where I'm supposed to be. At what point do things start to make sense?

     It's also very possible that the reason this week seem to drag along slower that a walker without feet is that I had a weekend getaway in San Francisco planned. Back in July a good friend of mine thought it'd be a good idea to get tickets to the upcoming King of the Fall tour featuring Jhene Aiko (LAWD HAVE MERCY), Schoolboy Q (meh), and The Weeknd (Abel THA GAWD).  Though I'm only one day removed from the concert, I'm going to go ahead and say that it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. But not because of the concert, which was amazing (read: FUCKING AMAZING), but because it gave me the perfect reason to spend time with someone. 

     

Over the past few weeks, since my week in Oakland, I've been lucky enough to have had a budding relationship with a face from my past. Funny how things work out like that. She's a really cool lady, and somehow hasn't realized how much of a nerd I am or just how, let's say "disheveled"  my life is. So do me and favor and don't tell her. Thanks.

So yeah, that's pretty much it. What's up with you guys?

Week 15

....Ok, let me explain.....

                                

     So, needless to say, last week I was a little heated. Not that I didn't have good reason, but maybe I should've found a different way to vent my frustrations.

Actually, thinking about it, I'm ok with how I handled it.....Yup.

     But, that doesn't negate the fact that there was a much bigger issue here. A lack of communication. One or two conversations could've rendered what happened last week to a non-event. But because not talking in an attempt to avoid confrontation seems like the easiest option, things got out of hand and friendships were lost. And that's sad. But also necessary. After all, you don't want to go too long with the wrong type people in your life, right?

Oh, and while I'm clearing the air, let me address the morbidly obese elephant in the room.

     White people. I know for a FACT that not all of you are racist. I know that many of you live in perfect harmony with people of all colors, creeds, and Twilight character preference. And I also know that many of you are just as disgusted by the recent events of the world. But there is something that I, and every other person of color needs you to understand. Accepting racism is UNACCEPTABLE.

     If you have a friend, acquaintance, coworker, or whatever who fundamentally believes the color of someones skin makes them less of a human being, you have an obligation to your own species to show that person that they are wrong. Simply accepting this as a quirk of their personality, like listening to Nickelback, is NOT OK. You accepting this behavior is further ingraining the idea that this type of behavior is acceptable. IT IS NOT! By not being part of the solution, you are, in fact, being part of the problem.

Moving on.

     In case you didn't know, communication is vital in life. Regardless of whether or not you actually like to communicate with other people, and believe me I often hate it, you just can't go without it. And too often do people go without saying the things they should. So just say it. Open your mouth and say it. It's really that simple. And in that spirit:

To Whom It May Concern,

     I really like you. You make my life more than alright.

Week 14

Boy, racists sure do hate being called racist. And that's exactly why I keep saying it.

     

     Now I had originally planned on talking about how I absolutely loath putting myself out there. And I know that I've already written about that before, but it felt necessary since it's been on my mind all week. But now, in the wake of some enlightening turn of events, I feel it's more relevant to actually explain why I loath putting myself out there. And it's very simple, really. I really really hate people.

     I honestly do. And I'm not sorry about it. People are the worst type of creatures. We excel at destruction. We will be responsible for the death of this planet and ALL of it's inhabitants. I'm honestly not sure why God hasn't already resent the floodwaters so that he can end this experiment known as humanity and start over with something a little more decent. It boggles my mind.

  

  Now, I can already hear some of you grumbling right now. You're saying to yourself, "He's just really bitter about something or someone who pissed him off." And you're damn right I'm bitter. Spend any extended amount of time with people and you'll find plenty of reason to be bitter. And yet, in order to succeed in my industry, and in life for that matter, I have to be open and willing to place myself out there (read: drop to my knees, lower my head, and expose the back of my neck) to be judged by those who don't know me and have their own agenda. And I'm the weird one for not wanting to do that? Seriously?!

  

  Look I know I have no choice in the matter, and that if I hope to make it anywhere, I'll have to at least pretend to be a people person.  And I'm not at all happy about it.

P.S. (DISCLAIMER: the following section is directed at the individuals involved in those recent turn of events I spoke about earlier. And though they have already drawn the line in the sand, I want to make it bigger. So to ANYONE who knows these individuals, and you stand with them, know that you are now and forever dead to me. Unfriend me, unfollow me, block me. Do whatever it is you have to do to make sure our lives no longer intersect. I should probably be remorseful at the thought of possibly losing some of you, but to be honest, any person who supports them is is not a person I want or need in my life.)

KB: I never liked you. I always thought you were a stuck up bitch, and after getting to know you further, I realized you were a small minded racist. I am not happy for your recent engagement. I will never be happy for you. The only happiness I get in reference to you, is that you will never be a part of my life again. 

MK: I would say I'm surprised, but I'm really not. Much like your friend, you were always one to peer down your nose at everyone else. You prided yourself on being "smarter" than everyone else around you. But that was fine, but you were genuinely a good friend to me. And I guess I was to you too. Why else would choose to tell me about your pregnancy when no one else, not even your two best friends, knew? And although you being impregnated by a teenager that you swore you were in love with after only 3 weeks proved that you were in fact NOT smarter than those around you, I never judged you. Never wagged a finger nor turned a nose. Instead I kept your secret and gave you as much support as I could. And so now, over a year later, as you stand by your friend who tells me that my skin color is wrong, how do I feel about the whole thing? Meh. 

SS: You know, I'm not even mad. Just disappointed. You would think that after all the time we spent together last year, that you would have the guts to actually come and talk to me about things such as this. That after 3-4 months of dancing around each other, 4 months together, and another year of being close, talking things out would be easier than just throwing our friendship away. But I guess not. I guess the truth is that you were always spineless. You never wanted to see the world for what it really is. And even though you used to always harp how much you hated KB's and MK's silent judgement of you, you chose to keep your head in the sand and stick with what you know. And for that, I am sorry. Sorry I ever spent any of my time with you. Sorry that I wasted so much time investing in our friendship.  I don't regret much from my past, but given the opportunity to go back, I'd have chosen to spend my time with someone better. Someone worth the hassle. Someone who wouldn't decide that my friendship isn't good enough because your friend doesn't like the color of my skin or that I call her the racist that she is. But I guess that's life. And I hope you have a good one. And I hope to never see you in mine again.

Week 13

Well, that was anti-climatic.

     You know what happened to me this week? Go ahead, take a guess. I'll wait.

<Sips tea>

     Anyone? Ok, fine I'll just come right out and say it. Nothing. Nothing at all happened to me this week. Each day I woke up, got dressed, went to work, worked, then came home. That's it. Ok, sure there were a few other things. I bought the Captain America: the Winter Soldier, I tried a new wine or 2, I rewatched the first season of Arrow on Netflix, I cooked, I cleaned, I contemplated love, and even jammed out to Bohemian Rhapsody once or twice. But is any of that really note worthy?

Is anyone even still reading this? Pineapple banana razzmatazz! Still here? Oh, good.

     But now that I think about it, maybe all of this uneventfulness is a good thing. Because that would mean that I'm settling into life here. Everything is becoming ordinary.

     I don't know. I know very little, in fact. So who am I to say what any of this means. What is life?

Week 12

I was planning on starting this blog by posting a link to the Sam Smith song "Life Support", but then I realized that that song has more of a sexual undertone and I'm just not that into all of y'all like that. So instead, here's a picture of a segue.

See what I did there???

     SOOOOO this past week marked 2 months since I moved out here, and yet almost daily I have to remind myself that I actually LIVE in Los Angeles. I have to remember that I have my own address, and my own job, neither of which are within the city limits of St. Louis. And, though it may not always seem like it, I KNOW that that is a very good thing.
 
     I was going absolutely no where in Missouri. Well, that's not entirely true. I was slowly slipping into insanity, no doubt evidenced by my bright and cheery status updates over the last few years. You're welcome, by the way. But in all seriousness, nothing good would've come from me staying there for the rest of my life. That I know for sure. And that brings me to my main point. Life Support.

     I would never had made it here if it weren't for all of the people I had rooting for me in my corner. From family and friends, college professors, and even the kind words of strangers, every little bit of it made a HUGE difference.

     I don't think people realize the weight that they're words can carry. But take it from me, they can be some of the heaviest things on Earth.  I'll never forget how one day while working as a courtesy clerk at Dierbergs, a customer walking back to her car stopped right in front of me and told me that I had the nicest smile she had ever seen. That always stayed with me, not because of how nice the comment was, but because of how random it was. This woman didn't know me, had never seen me before, and didn't owe me anything. I was just a 16 or 17 year old kid making minimum wage gathering shopping carts in the parking lot of a grocery store. That compliment put a smile on my face for quite some time.

      The point of that little parable is to say that a few nice words can go a long way. Since I've moved out here, I've had variable outpouring of support from a various sources. A few have been so vocal that our relationships have grown significantly (and to those individuals, I love you very much).

     So to everyone who has ever supported me, and to everyone who has ever supported anyone who was attempting to change their lives for the better, from the bottom of my heart, I  thank you. You have no idea what it has meant to me.


P.S. I have done an absolutely horrible job of keeping up with pictures to add to this blog, and for that I'm sorry. But, you know, life happens and shit. So as a consolation here's a link to my newest Youtube video. And let it be known that shameless self-promotion is something that I have no problems with. Enjoy.
                                                    http://youtu.be/1MNk_zhV328

Week 11

This was originally going to be a poem, but then I realized that I actually don't have a desire to completely embarrass myself today, so here ya go.

   

 Other than working to the point of complete exhaustion, not very much happened this week. That is, except for Sunday. Sunday, everything happened.

I had never swam in the ocean before. The saltiness was almost too much to handle. But as time went by, and I got better and better at fighting the waves, I was overcome with the most unexpected feeling of complete and utter freedom. And not just freedom, but a sense of perfect balance and wholeness. As the waves toss me back and forth and the ground sinks further and further beneath my feet, I realized that this was the best I had felt in quite some time.

I never wanted to return to shore.

   

     Back on the shore were people. People who would look at me out the corner of their eye, or keep watch on me as I went about my business. People who either chose to, or were raised to believe that the color of my skin means trouble. But out there in the water, people didn't exists. There was no racism or prejudice amongst the waves.

     Back on the shore was money. Money seemingly everywhere except in my pocket. But that doesn't seem to keep anyone from asking for it. Doesn't keep anyone from demanding it each month. But out here green paper is useless and metal coins just sink.

     And back on shore I have a phone. And because I have a phone I'm able to receive messages from other people. Just last night I received a message about an earthquake in San Francisco. I had missed it by a day. And then more messages from friends who had had a few to drink.  And then this morning I received a message that he was brain dead.

 

Life is funny. Though we like to pretend, none of us have any idea how to handle it. We know even less about how to handle death. How much emotion should I show? How should I talk to his family? Should I cry? What if I can't? All of these questions await me back on shore. Is it really a wonder why I never want to come back in?

Week 9/10

"I know I'm late and I took all year, but you can stop complaining cuz I'm finally here."- Kanye West

   

     Oh hey there, been awhile. Sorry about that. Due to life being all...lifey...I haven't been able to keep up with my regular once a week blog. Says a lot about me now that I think about it. Short comings aside, here's a recap of the last two weeks of my life. Spoilers: I watched a lot of Netflix.

   

     Hiatus: So last week (8/11-8/16) I was on hiatus, which basically means that they were tired of paying us and decided send us home for the week. Alas, Netflix ensued, and to be honest, it was nice to have a break. I hadn't really had much of a break since moving out here. Always either working or furnishing the apartment and what not. So things were chill. 

And then Mike Brown was murdered. And before mine and the countries eyes, my hometown was ripped apart. And there I was. Unable to help, and unable to escape it. And I'm not ashamed to admit I wanted to escape it. Being filled with such anger, and hatred is very taxing on the mind and soul. Even right now, as I type this, I still feel raw. I don't expect that to change anytime soon.

And then, before I could really digest what was going on back home, the world lost Robin Williams. And it hurt. And that was surprising, at least at first. But the more I thought about it, I recalled how big a part of my childhood he was. I mean, he was THE actor that every kid from my generation knew. And what's more, the circumstances surrounding his death, and the spotlight placed on his struggle with depression really hit home. I am one of many hundreds of thousands of people who suffer from depression, and it is so unfortunate at how people are made to feel about it. Depression is real. It's not a result of not looking on the bright side. It's not a choice of looking on the dark side as opposed to the bright. It is a disease, and I hope that more people understand that now.

   

     So in just the first few days of hiatus, the world completely went to hell. Thank God for friends from back home and alcohol!

I feel that I should also note that I spent a lot of time during hiatus struggling with self doubt. Thoughts of being in over my head plagued my mind. They still haven't really gone away. I think it's safe to say that too much time alone in your own head is a bad thing.

Summary of Hiatus: Racism, death, destruction, and self-doubt. Oh and I got some new swim trunks!

   

     Oakland: Finally back to work, this past Monday we loaded up our crew cargo van and headed up to Oakland. And when I say "we", I mean me and the other PA drove 6 hours up the highway to the Bay area while the rest of the crew got to fly up. Awesome.

But I can't complain too much. That first night we spent the evening across the Bay in San Francisco with a very old friend. It was nice to be away and share some genuine laughs. So for the rest of the week I made sure to spend as much time as I could in San Fran. Which wasn't hard to do considering that my alternative would've been to spend time in Oakland..........Oakland.

Admittedly the trip was stressful. A lot of running and gunning and flying blind. But ultimately the Bay was good to me, and I'm looking forward to heading back up.

Summary of Oakland: Cool breezes, stressful work, good friends, and not getting shanked. Oh yeah, I'm about 99% sure that San Francisco was once used a giant rehabilitation center for mentally ill people, which then shut down and all of the former patients are now homeless. Seriously, the homeless of San Fran are batshit crazy. Beware.

Which leads me to here and now. It's 3am, and while I should be sleeping, I'm sitting here typing out this jumbled mess of my mind just so that I don't disappoint the few of you who care enough to read. Is it wrong to find that endearing?