Week 48

Part 2.

     Beaches. The beach. Within minutes I could be at the beach. Well you know, depending on the traffic, but you get what I mean. On any given day I can head out from my apartment and be inches away from the ocean within minutes. Perhaps that's why people so willingly pay ridiculously high rent to live here? Or maybe it's because you could leave the beach, drive for 2 hours, and be in the snow filled mountains? Or, perhaps, maybe it's because this is where the stars live, and everyone wants to be a star.

     I think the main reason that people come here in the first place is that this is where "dreams come true." At least that's been the belief for as long as anyone can remember. Young actors and actresses flock to the Hollywood hills in hopes of being discovered in whatever restaurant they're currently serving in, and moving into the 90210 area code. The same can be said for those who dream of working behind the camera as well. After all, why else would I be here? I came here to follow a dream, and leaving means giving up. And I don't want to give up. Not again.

     Truth is, I came here 11 months ago because I was unhappy and unable to do what I wanted to do in St. Louis. For years I was told that this is where I had to be, just to have a shot. So after many ups and downs, I finally made it out here. And I think it would be a shame, if I didn't stick it out as long as possible to make things work. That's why I want to stay.

Week 47

Part 1.

     Pictures. Pictures of a friend. A friend celebrating her birthday. Celebrating her birthday with more of your friends. Some times that's all it takes. One second you're sitting in your San Fernando Valley apartment, and the next you're longing your old neighborhood in North County St. Louis. Mind you, this isn't the first time I've wanted to go home since coming here, but it was the first time I was able to visualize it. Does that make sense?

     I don't really want to go back. I mean I do, but I don't. I know I could never really be happy back home. I never was before. But if I did go back, I'd have all of my family. I could have a job. Not one that I like, but how would that be any different from now? I'd have MUCH cheaper rent. And MUCH cheaper food and gas. And I'd have girls that would actually take a second to consider me before out right rejecting. But most of all, I'd have my friends. People who actually call and text me to hang out. People who actually give a shit. Going back my not be all that bad.

     I know most of this has just manifested from my fear of being alone. I mean, it's scary out here. So far I haven't done anything to make me not feel like a failure. So a big part of me wants to go home. I want to be surrounded by people who love me. I want to be somewhere where the world makes sense. I want to be somewhere where it feels like I know what I'm doing. That's why I want to go back.

Week 46

Been trying like hell to come up with a theme for this week's blog and, so far, I've got nothing. So here goes nothing...

     Friends. Friends are good. No. Friends are GREAT. Even the bad friends are great. They allow for us to truly appreciate the good friends. I saw a good friend this week, and although it had been 4-5 years since I've seen her, our friendship never skipped a beat. We ate, and drank, and talked, and laughed. And best of all, we remembered. We remembered all of the things that made us friends and celebrated them as best we could. I found myself feeling sad that our lives have taken us to opposite ends of the country, but so incredibly happy to see how far she's come. She tells me I have a good heart, and I secretly hope she's right. I missed her before I even dropped her off.

     I think one of the scariest things imaginable is the thought that we only have the ability to make something of ourselves. I have no idea how to.....do anything. No, that's not it. Not what I meant. What I mean to say is, my dreams follow a specific path, but there's no direct way to get onto that path. Everyone seems to have their ideas for what I should do, but none of it has seemed right. None of it has felt right. I think maybe I need to give up on my current dreams. Or alter them. Though altering them is pretty much giving up on them. I just don't know what to do. What I should do. Where do I go from here? What happens next? 

     Been thinking. About a lot. Things like life, and love, and moving to Chicago. Loneliness gives one lots of time to think. Too much time. All I ever seem to think is about how I need to do better. Write more. Be skinnier. Make more money. My mind is cruel, and I wish I knew how to fix it. I guess that's just one more way I need to be better.

Week 45

 As per usual, life has seen fit to be a lifey and it's left quite a few things on my mind. Seems that these days this is the only place I can attempt to clear it. So I'll give it shot.

     There's been something on my mind ever since the wedding a few weeks ago. While sitting there, watching one of my best friends glide down the aisle towards the love of her life, I realized something; I couldn't imagine doing this with anyone. Not to say that I can't see myself getting married, because I very much so see myself doing that. Let's face it, I'd make an awesome husband (tell your lady friends). But what I couldn't picture was pledging my life to anyone currently in my life. You see, over the last year I believed that I had fallen in love. Twice, as a matter of fact. But I don't think I ever really thought about what it meant to be in love with anyone. I think I do that quite a lot. I'm always so eager to find someone who likes me back that on the rare occasions when I do, I tend to do whatever I have to do in order to feel in love with them. But actually watching two people who have decided to spend the rest of their lives together made me realize that I'm not ready to do with anyone I already know. At least, not as I currently know them.

     It's been getting harder and harder not to feel like I'm wasting my life. I mean, just what exactly am I doing here? What am I moving towards? Walked into an interview the other day. The EP really wanted me for the position so I figured the interview was just a formality. I talk to the Line Producer. She's blunt, which is a nice change from what you normally get from people out here. All seems to be going well. That is until she tells me that over a months worth of shooting would be done in St. Louis, but that I wouldn't get to go along. DA FUCK?! The Associate Producer, who is from St. Louis, wouldn't get to come along because the multimillion dollar company that shoots the show doesn't want to pay for a damn plane ticket?! Though I didn't tell her,  the rest of the interview became irrelevant. So I sat and listened, waiting for the proper time to take my leave. But that's when it happened. She started to describe the job responsibilities. Some of which I already expected, but others that, to be frank, scared the shit out of me. Suddenly I was uninterested in the job because I was too afraid of all of the responsibility it was going to come with. And that was the worst feeling of all. And to top things off, the Line Producer read me like a book. She knew right away that I didn't want to be here. That I had no interest in reality television. She told I need to be focusing on doing every single thing within my power to get out. Thing is though, I have no idea what I have within my power to do.

     Anyone close to me will tell you that I often don't see the value in myself, and that this is why no girl can see the value in me. So in an attempt to enlighten, here's a list of why you should date me:

• You will always be the pretty one in the relationship.
• People may mistake me for your body guard, and thus assume you're someone famous. 
• If you're not black, your parents will feel better about themselves after initially worrying about their daughter dating a black guy, but then realizing I'm, in fact, awesome.
• If you are black, you'll feel better knowing that there has been one less black man "stolen" by a white woman.
• I own all of the Star Wars movies, so our Saturday nights are set!
• If we have kids someday, rest that our daughter will know how to handle firearms long before any of those little boys come around.
• H.U.G.S.
• Seriously, my hugs are amazing.
• I mean have you ever hugged me?!
• I'm jealous I can't hug myself!
• I watch ALL THE TELEVISION, so your love affair with Netflix is just fine with me.
• I'll never judge you for ordering fries instead of a salad. In fact I'll probably just ask you for a few fries.

   

Week 43/44

It's nice to believe in love again....

     I haven't done a weekly recap in awhile, so here you go. Last week I did nothing. A lot of nothing. Mainly because I didn't want to leave the apartment and risk spending any money, but there was also a serious lack of motivation to interact with the outside world. Perhaps I was in a mood. But, whatever the case, eventually I would have to venture outside, because I had to catch a plane and head back to the land of Imo's pizza and perfect Chinese food. And why pray tell would I be venturing back to land that I desired to leave for so long? Love.

     More specifically, a wedding. A wedding that was 7 years in the making. I can still remember meeting Lauren and Josh for the first time. And over the years I've had some of the best times of my life in their company. So when I received my invitation to the wedding, I was legitimately excited. And I was prepared to feel all the feels (which I did). But what I wasn't prepared for, was how these two declaring their love for each before God, family, and friends would force me to look at myself and reevaluate my thoughts and beliefs on love.

     I've never not believed in love. In fact, I believe in it more than most things. But lately I haven't felt that love (the romantic kind) would ever really fit into my life. There just seemed to be too many things misaligned for love to be able to fit in. Things that make it seem like it would be improbable to that I would ever fins someone. So I had put love aside. Did my best not to think about it and try to focus on other things. But then this wedding came, and it reminded me of something that I seemed to have forgotten. I want this. This day. This moment. This feeling of finding someone that you can't imagine having to live without. I want that. Seeing those two, amongst all of our old friends, with string quartet playing Beatles, Muse, and Jimi Hendrix songs, made me remember what I love about love. And I want that. I need it. Because I believe in it.

Week 42

Soooo, there was a new Star Wars teaser trailer released this week. Not sure if you guys had heard.....

     

     Immediately I was zapped back to my childhood. In the summer of 1995, I was a 6 year old who's only concerns in the world were swimming pools and Power Rangers. And then one day, everything changed. My father called me into the back, sat me down and said, "Today, I'm going to show you the Star Wars." And my life was changed in every way.

     On day one we watched A New Hope. I can still remember seeing Luke Skywalker ignite his father's lightsaber for the first time. I couldn't think of anything else during the entire movie, and I nearly jumped for joy when Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader squared off on the Death Star. This was the greatest thing I'd ever seen. I didn't want it to end, which is why it felt like Christmas when my father told me there were 2 more films.

     I don't remember anything about the next day other than sitting in my fathers room, impatiently staring up at the screen as the THX logo faded in and out. Then it began. For the next 2 hours I sat wide-eyed in anticipation for the promised climax between Luke and Vader. And then it happened. It REALLY HAPPENED! Vader uttered those now infamous words causing my heart to drop and my soul howled out in tandem with Luke. How could this be? I MUST HAVE MORE!

     I'm not sure how I survived the wait to the next day. But somehow I did, and finally, it was time for my first journey through that far, far away galaxy to come to an end. And what an end it was. Han was back. The Empire was defeated. And best of all, GREEN LIGHTSABERS! Yes, it was a fitting end for a truly magical journey. The next day my father took me to Service Merchandise (does anyone else remember that store???) where I was pleased to find that they had shelves upon shelves of Star Wars products. And I loaded up. By the time we left, I had enough ships and figures to start my own Galactic Empire. And I had my very own lightsaber.

     It wasn't until years later that I realized just how much that summer meant to me. My dad and I kept up the tradition of watching each episode for the first time together. That is, until episode 3. Maybe that's why I didn't like episode 3. Although that probably has more to do with horrible acting and even worse writing, but the sentiment remains. Being introduced to the Star Wars saga changed something deep within me. I can't imagine who or, what I'd be had I never seen them. And I don't want to.

And now, just for fun, perhaps the greatest video to ever be uploaded to Youtube:

 

Week 41

Have you ever had something that you really needed to say, but had no idea how to go about doing it? Or had a conversation that went unfinished and just wanted to find some way to complete it? Just a thought...

     I'm fat. I'll give you a moment to recover from shock. 

Yes, I said it, I'm fat. According to my doctors, I've been overweight since 6th grade. According to my elementary school classmates, I've been fat since before Power Rangers was a thing.  It's not a secret, and anyone who knows me will know that I won't let too much time pass without bringing it up; I don't like the notion of ignoring my weight when I know that it's clearly a defining feature of who I am. But ever since moving here, to the vapid and shallow capitol of the world, my weight has become something else entirely.

     My weight has always been a challenge. Growing up big leads to you seeing the world quite differently from everyone else. I have to be aware of things that normal people never even dream of. And then there's my mind. My mind has been trained to be defensive. Constantly afraid of what people are thinking, or saying under their breath. Constantly believing that any laughter I hear nearby is about me. To be honest with you, it's exhausting. And it's only become worse since arriving here. Everyone and everything here is about body image. People aren't satisfied with themselves until they're skin and bones. Everyone loves to gossip about their new diets and cleanses. Damn near everyday during lunch I have to endure a conversation amongst perfectly in shape people about how fat they feel, or how they have to cut out carbs and gluten because it's making them hideous. All the while I just sit there wondering if any of them even realize that they're indirectly shaming me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking or expecting anyone to be ok with being fat; I know I'm not. But it just seems that no one here is capable of thinking about anyone outside of themselves. I guess to expect anything else would be naive.

     I don't know if love at first sight really exists. I doubt it. But I do know that lust at first sight exists. Every human being blessed with sight experiences it everyday. It's the foundation for our first impressions of others; we're a lot more open and friendly to those that are appealing to the eye. That being the case, I, and many others like me, have to work a lot harder to "earn" that openness and friendliness that the more conventionally attractive people are given from the start. This has always been the case with girls. I've never had a significant other that didn't start out as a friend first. I've always had to take the time to convince any girl that I was interested in that I was actually worth while. And even then most still couldn't get over the physical aspect. Whenever friends ask me about love life, I tell them that no girl out here could be interested in a guy that looks like me, and more often than not they can't bring themselves to disagree with me. Everyone knows. And it's the same way with my work. I typically work as a Production Assistant, which involves a decent amount of manual labor and a shit ton of hustle. Employers see me and naturally assuming I can't meet the physical requirements of the job. Granted no one has ever said this to my face, but it becomes pretty obvious when every one of my new employers is so "impressed" by how good I am at my job. No matter what, the first impression of me will always be that of a lazy, sloth, because lazy sloths tend to look like me, and as we all know, minorities are all representative of each other. And I'm tired. So tired that I've started to train myself not to want certain things. Not to be attracted to certain girls. Not to expect good things.

     And before you even come at me with some bullshit about "why don't you change things up and go on a diet if you don't like being overweight?", please know that I have, in fact, done that. Many times. Once I even hired a trainer and got in the best shape I had been in since before 3rd grade. But it never seems to stick. I thought that maybe coming out here might change something. Maybe I'd see all of the pretty people and be compelled to become one of them. I've tried a few times since relocating to get my weight in order, but thus far I've had no such luck.No matter what I do, my body always seems to hit a reset button and return me to the form which you see before you. Seems to me that, if you believe in destiny, that I am meant to look like this. For what reason, I couldn't tell you. All I know is that I hate the way I look, and the way I feel. I hate the way I see myself and how the rest of the world views me. And I hate that there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. And for that reason I eat. And I drink. And I make myself fatter, because I can't make myself skinnier. Funny how that works, isn't it? Funny.