Week 47

Part 1.

     Pictures. Pictures of a friend. A friend celebrating her birthday. Celebrating her birthday with more of your friends. Some times that's all it takes. One second you're sitting in your San Fernando Valley apartment, and the next you're longing your old neighborhood in North County St. Louis. Mind you, this isn't the first time I've wanted to go home since coming here, but it was the first time I was able to visualize it. Does that make sense?

     I don't really want to go back. I mean I do, but I don't. I know I could never really be happy back home. I never was before. But if I did go back, I'd have all of my family. I could have a job. Not one that I like, but how would that be any different from now? I'd have MUCH cheaper rent. And MUCH cheaper food and gas. And I'd have girls that would actually take a second to consider me before out right rejecting. But most of all, I'd have my friends. People who actually call and text me to hang out. People who actually give a shit. Going back my not be all that bad.

     I know most of this has just manifested from my fear of being alone. I mean, it's scary out here. So far I haven't done anything to make me not feel like a failure. So a big part of me wants to go home. I want to be surrounded by people who love me. I want to be somewhere where the world makes sense. I want to be somewhere where it feels like I know what I'm doing. That's why I want to go back.