Year 2: Week 2

DISCLAIMER: This time around will be a lot more....dull? I'm not longer working the field so there will no doubt be fewer pictures and fewer adventure stories. But I promise to give you just as much crazy as I always have. I'm sorry, and you're welcome.

     You know, at this point, I'm not sure if it's a crippling fear of failure, or crippling fear of success that is...crippling me. Let me explain.

     Before I ever even left L.A. I was plagued with the thought that I had gotten in over my head. It's true that I don't have a contingency plan in place if all of this falls through. And even though this show is scheduled to run for the next year and a half, I'm ALREADY thinking about what next. What happens if this doesn't last? What happens if I get fired? Why am I so terrified at work everyday?

Ok ok, I know. There's a lot to unpack here. First of all, I know I have no control over the future so there's not much point in "worrying" about it. I just have to take it each day at a time. I KNOW THIS. But that doesn't make it any easier on my severely demented mind. Unfortunately, I'm just not built that way.

     As for the daily terror I internally deal with at work most days. I think it stems from a fear of failure. I hate having to do new things because I view them as opportunities for me to fail. It always seems like everyone else takes on new challenges in stride, while I just squirm in my chair and try not to look as uncomfortable as I feel. I hate it. Why has it never been easy for me? Being so afraid of failure makes me feel like a failure. It's a horribly ironic circle.

Wow this entry went south quick, huh? Sorry about that. Actually, no I'm not. I WRITE WHAT I WANT! <Rachel Shante Shante voice>