After Thought: Under Pressure

There always seems to come this time where I'm convinced that I cannot possibly handle all of the shit that has currently been piled on top of me. Every time I've been convinced that this was it. That failure at this point would set off a cataclysmic chain of events that would lead life altering events of which there is no return. Every time I wonder how is it I ended up her, and how I could ever possibly hope to overcome. Every time I'm sure that it's over. And every time I've been wrong.

So far...

I know I should focus more on the positive, as I said I would in my last post, but that's extremely difficult to do when the pressure of life is literally making it hard to breathe. I'm trying to keep myself calm, hence me writing this instead of working on the mountain of work in front of me. I just had to take a minute and lay out my thoughts. I need to figure out how to proceed. None of my teammates seem to be stressing as much as me. Maybe they're more experienced. Maybe they're just better at internalizing it than I am. Either way, I feel like smashing my laptop, walking into the center of the room and screaming. After which I was drive away and just keep driving until my car refused to go anymore. And then what?

I don't feel like I have anything to complain about. I know that I don't. I'm living in one of the best cities in the country and working as an integral part of a team producing a television show. This is what I've suffered for. What I've ached for. What I stayed awake at night longing for. And now I'm here, and I don't know if I can handle it. Is this how everyone feels? Or am I just weak? Am I just ungrateful? Do I just not get it?

I don't know. Just a thought.