Week 48

Part 2.

     Beaches. The beach. Within minutes I could be at the beach. Well you know, depending on the traffic, but you get what I mean. On any given day I can head out from my apartment and be inches away from the ocean within minutes. Perhaps that's why people so willingly pay ridiculously high rent to live here? Or maybe it's because you could leave the beach, drive for 2 hours, and be in the snow filled mountains? Or, perhaps, maybe it's because this is where the stars live, and everyone wants to be a star.

     I think the main reason that people come here in the first place is that this is where "dreams come true." At least that's been the belief for as long as anyone can remember. Young actors and actresses flock to the Hollywood hills in hopes of being discovered in whatever restaurant they're currently serving in, and moving into the 90210 area code. The same can be said for those who dream of working behind the camera as well. After all, why else would I be here? I came here to follow a dream, and leaving means giving up. And I don't want to give up. Not again.

     Truth is, I came here 11 months ago because I was unhappy and unable to do what I wanted to do in St. Louis. For years I was told that this is where I had to be, just to have a shot. So after many ups and downs, I finally made it out here. And I think it would be a shame, if I didn't stick it out as long as possible to make things work. That's why I want to stay.

Week 47

Part 1.

     Pictures. Pictures of a friend. A friend celebrating her birthday. Celebrating her birthday with more of your friends. Some times that's all it takes. One second you're sitting in your San Fernando Valley apartment, and the next you're longing your old neighborhood in North County St. Louis. Mind you, this isn't the first time I've wanted to go home since coming here, but it was the first time I was able to visualize it. Does that make sense?

     I don't really want to go back. I mean I do, but I don't. I know I could never really be happy back home. I never was before. But if I did go back, I'd have all of my family. I could have a job. Not one that I like, but how would that be any different from now? I'd have MUCH cheaper rent. And MUCH cheaper food and gas. And I'd have girls that would actually take a second to consider me before out right rejecting. But most of all, I'd have my friends. People who actually call and text me to hang out. People who actually give a shit. Going back my not be all that bad.

     I know most of this has just manifested from my fear of being alone. I mean, it's scary out here. So far I haven't done anything to make me not feel like a failure. So a big part of me wants to go home. I want to be surrounded by people who love me. I want to be somewhere where the world makes sense. I want to be somewhere where it feels like I know what I'm doing. That's why I want to go back.

Week 46

Been trying like hell to come up with a theme for this week's blog and, so far, I've got nothing. So here goes nothing...

     Friends. Friends are good. No. Friends are GREAT. Even the bad friends are great. They allow for us to truly appreciate the good friends. I saw a good friend this week, and although it had been 4-5 years since I've seen her, our friendship never skipped a beat. We ate, and drank, and talked, and laughed. And best of all, we remembered. We remembered all of the things that made us friends and celebrated them as best we could. I found myself feeling sad that our lives have taken us to opposite ends of the country, but so incredibly happy to see how far she's come. She tells me I have a good heart, and I secretly hope she's right. I missed her before I even dropped her off.

     I think one of the scariest things imaginable is the thought that we only have the ability to make something of ourselves. I have no idea how to.....do anything. No, that's not it. Not what I meant. What I mean to say is, my dreams follow a specific path, but there's no direct way to get onto that path. Everyone seems to have their ideas for what I should do, but none of it has seemed right. None of it has felt right. I think maybe I need to give up on my current dreams. Or alter them. Though altering them is pretty much giving up on them. I just don't know what to do. What I should do. Where do I go from here? What happens next? 

     Been thinking. About a lot. Things like life, and love, and moving to Chicago. Loneliness gives one lots of time to think. Too much time. All I ever seem to think is about how I need to do better. Write more. Be skinnier. Make more money. My mind is cruel, and I wish I knew how to fix it. I guess that's just one more way I need to be better.

Week 45

 As per usual, life has seen fit to be a lifey and it's left quite a few things on my mind. Seems that these days this is the only place I can attempt to clear it. So I'll give it shot.

     There's been something on my mind ever since the wedding a few weeks ago. While sitting there, watching one of my best friends glide down the aisle towards the love of her life, I realized something; I couldn't imagine doing this with anyone. Not to say that I can't see myself getting married, because I very much so see myself doing that. Let's face it, I'd make an awesome husband (tell your lady friends). But what I couldn't picture was pledging my life to anyone currently in my life. You see, over the last year I believed that I had fallen in love. Twice, as a matter of fact. But I don't think I ever really thought about what it meant to be in love with anyone. I think I do that quite a lot. I'm always so eager to find someone who likes me back that on the rare occasions when I do, I tend to do whatever I have to do in order to feel in love with them. But actually watching two people who have decided to spend the rest of their lives together made me realize that I'm not ready to do with anyone I already know. At least, not as I currently know them.

     It's been getting harder and harder not to feel like I'm wasting my life. I mean, just what exactly am I doing here? What am I moving towards? Walked into an interview the other day. The EP really wanted me for the position so I figured the interview was just a formality. I talk to the Line Producer. She's blunt, which is a nice change from what you normally get from people out here. All seems to be going well. That is until she tells me that over a months worth of shooting would be done in St. Louis, but that I wouldn't get to go along. DA FUCK?! The Associate Producer, who is from St. Louis, wouldn't get to come along because the multimillion dollar company that shoots the show doesn't want to pay for a damn plane ticket?! Though I didn't tell her,  the rest of the interview became irrelevant. So I sat and listened, waiting for the proper time to take my leave. But that's when it happened. She started to describe the job responsibilities. Some of which I already expected, but others that, to be frank, scared the shit out of me. Suddenly I was uninterested in the job because I was too afraid of all of the responsibility it was going to come with. And that was the worst feeling of all. And to top things off, the Line Producer read me like a book. She knew right away that I didn't want to be here. That I had no interest in reality television. She told I need to be focusing on doing every single thing within my power to get out. Thing is though, I have no idea what I have within my power to do.

     Anyone close to me will tell you that I often don't see the value in myself, and that this is why no girl can see the value in me. So in an attempt to enlighten, here's a list of why you should date me:

• You will always be the pretty one in the relationship.
• People may mistake me for your body guard, and thus assume you're someone famous. 
• If you're not black, your parents will feel better about themselves after initially worrying about their daughter dating a black guy, but then realizing I'm, in fact, awesome.
• If you are black, you'll feel better knowing that there has been one less black man "stolen" by a white woman.
• I own all of the Star Wars movies, so our Saturday nights are set!
• If we have kids someday, rest that our daughter will know how to handle firearms long before any of those little boys come around.
• H.U.G.S.
• Seriously, my hugs are amazing.
• I mean have you ever hugged me?!
• I'm jealous I can't hug myself!
• I watch ALL THE TELEVISION, so your love affair with Netflix is just fine with me.
• I'll never judge you for ordering fries instead of a salad. In fact I'll probably just ask you for a few fries.

   

Week 43/44

It's nice to believe in love again....

     I haven't done a weekly recap in awhile, so here you go. Last week I did nothing. A lot of nothing. Mainly because I didn't want to leave the apartment and risk spending any money, but there was also a serious lack of motivation to interact with the outside world. Perhaps I was in a mood. But, whatever the case, eventually I would have to venture outside, because I had to catch a plane and head back to the land of Imo's pizza and perfect Chinese food. And why pray tell would I be venturing back to land that I desired to leave for so long? Love.

     More specifically, a wedding. A wedding that was 7 years in the making. I can still remember meeting Lauren and Josh for the first time. And over the years I've had some of the best times of my life in their company. So when I received my invitation to the wedding, I was legitimately excited. And I was prepared to feel all the feels (which I did). But what I wasn't prepared for, was how these two declaring their love for each before God, family, and friends would force me to look at myself and reevaluate my thoughts and beliefs on love.

     I've never not believed in love. In fact, I believe in it more than most things. But lately I haven't felt that love (the romantic kind) would ever really fit into my life. There just seemed to be too many things misaligned for love to be able to fit in. Things that make it seem like it would be improbable to that I would ever fins someone. So I had put love aside. Did my best not to think about it and try to focus on other things. But then this wedding came, and it reminded me of something that I seemed to have forgotten. I want this. This day. This moment. This feeling of finding someone that you can't imagine having to live without. I want that. Seeing those two, amongst all of our old friends, with string quartet playing Beatles, Muse, and Jimi Hendrix songs, made me remember what I love about love. And I want that. I need it. Because I believe in it.