Week 24

(EDITORS NOTE: This week a great injustice was perpetrated in my hometown. Once again America was shown exactly how much value the life of a an African American carries, and the country has been tearing itself apart ever since. I know that now would be the time to say something profound and speak on the matter, but I don't have it in me. Truth be told I've been focusing all of my energy these past few days on not completely losing myself. That's why I'm choosing to use this blog to help take my mind off of matters. Besides, I can say confidently that no one reading this would want me to breathe life into the thoughts in my head.)

 We live in a time of infinite possibilities. Where the most powerful computers fit in the palm of your hand, and televisions have higher IQs than most college grads. Where missiles can pin point the big toe of an enemy combat, and dating apps allow for Darwinism to take place in the speed of light. So, baring all of that in mind, I would just like to say that there's a good chance I have aliens living in the apartment next door.

     Ok, first of all, shut up. I'm not crazy. I just happen to think that there are intelligent beings from another galaxy living next door to me in an apartment complex in Van Nuys, California.

SHUT UP!

    I already know your next question. Do you have proof? And you know what? I don't. But I have a really strong gut feeling, and my gut always leads me to good places; Imos, Wing Stop, Pei King, etc. And I trust my gut right now. Here's my evidence.

•      Since some time in October an eclectic group of people have gone in an out of that apartment. All different shapes, sizes, races, and species (I'll explain the species part in a second).  And always in groups of twos.
• Aside from the first two people,  a white couple around my age, I haven't seen anyone come in and out of the apartment more than once. After seeing the couple twice, next was a middle aged white male in business attire and a little kid maybe 3 or 4 years old. Then the other day was a college aged black girl with a little chihuahua. Always in groups of twos.
• Though I never hear any footsteps, barking, or crying, the door opens and closes frequently.

Now I know that none of this is definitive evidence. I would, however, just like to go on the record and say that the other day while I was first piecing all of this together I got the faint taste of blood in my mouth. At first I waved it off as some weird after taste from breakfast. But as it persisted I started to wonder. On a hunch I blew my nose, and the amount of blood that came out was enough to fill the first 6 minutes of an episode of CSI.


So in the event that I disappear off the face of the Earth, you all are my witnesses.

Merry Christmas from Hevy Williams

Week 22/23

I've never really lost "feelings" before. I wonder where they go........

       Well, things as of late have been a little....stale, for lack of a better term. Work is work. I'm thankful for the paycheck, but I also miss looking forward to going to work everyday. Friends are...nonexistent for the most part. Doesn't seem like much has changed since I left St. Louis.

    I'm still trying. God help me I'm trying. Doing my best to change myself. To become worthy. But staying focused is difficult. In fact there are are days when I contemplate packing up and leaving in the middle of the night. And if all of this sounds familiar, that's because it's the same bullshit I've been spouting for the last 3 years. I'm just not sure what else I need to do.

     The one thing I am sure of right now is that I can't wait to go home. I need to recharge. Reassure myself that I left for a reason. Remind myself that I couldn't grow any further there. Maybe then it will all make sense again.

Fall is in full affect.....

Week 21

(DISCLAIMER: the transition has my thoughts in a jumbled mass. Be warned, this probably won't make sense.)

     This is difficult. I knew it would be. The climb is never easy when you're looking up at the entire mountain. And I've made this climb so many times before, only to slide right back to the bottom. And it hurts. Deeper than any pain I've ever felt. How do you embrace the pain that let's you know you're alive, when all you want to do is scream for death?

    And then there are the thoughts. I don't feel like I've ever worked hard. I can't help but feel like making it this far has just been a fluke. Visions of what I want, and who I want.  They slow me down. I must constantly remind myself that I can not have them, because I do not deserve them. Not yet. And if I don't succeed, then maybe not ever. But after all, if I can't earn it then I don't truly deserve it. And I definitely don't deserve HER.

     You never think you'll have to rebel against your own mind. Every thought you've had before now betrays you. Tries to force you to believe that you are going the wrong way; doing the wrong thing. Yet, still, you fight. Retrain, reshape, and reassociate. The goal is not to get the girl, but to get the girl to want me. Adapt to survive. This fight has only just begun.

     

Week 20

That time is over. Time to start anew.

     There's really no point on dwelling on anything that came before now. It's gone, and life doesn't slow down to let you catch up. And I know damn well that that is a terribly difficult concept to grasp. But it must be grasped. Only then can we move forward.

"You have to realize that someday you will die. Until you do that, you are useless." Tyler Durden

     Up until now I've been going about this all wrong; trying to achieve my goals in spite of the obstacles. But instead of trying to go around them, I should've been barreling straight through. Eliminate the obstacle so that it will never be in my way again. That is what I must do now. I can't change the world, but I can change myself to be better suited for it. And not for HER, or for them, or for you, but for myself. For too long have I been weak. Too long have I been complacent. No more.

From here on out I must think differently. Act differently. Live differently. I must become someone better. Or die trying.

"I don't care if it hurts/I want to have control/I want a perfect body/I want a perfect soul..." - Radiohead