Hey Guys, Can We Talk?

The other day I was looking through the holiday sales catalogue for Costco. I was amazed at the prices of the TVs and want to make a joke about it on my Facebook. I picked up my phone and got as far as opening the app before I remembered, I'm not ready to make jokes yet. I'm not ready to be happy about anything. I'm not ready to go about life as if none of this has happened.

Ok, I'm going to try to keep this as coherent as I can, but just a fair warning, I have a lot on my mind, and nothing I've done so far has helped. So once again, I come to you.

Let's start at the beginning.

Last week I saw a brand new doctor. Going to the doctor had become a strained and exhausting event for me once I left St. Louis, so I was both eager and terrified to see how this would go. To my delighted surprise, I liked her. She didn't shy away from my weight and subsequent related issues, but she also wasn't interested in lecturing at me like others have. She talked, she listened, she empathized. She was both blunt and caring at the same time. That's no easy feat, especially when you have a patient that looks like me. I've been overweight since I was 13 (although the kids in my elementary school would like to argue that I was fat WAY before that). Diabetes also just so happens to run in my family, and since I'm not an idiot or so out of touch with reality that I'd think voting for Trump was a good idea, I've been mentally preparing myself for the day that I doctor tells me that I've finally crossed the state line into a sugar-free zone. But, much like preparing for an loved one's passing after having a lengthy battle with ailment, you're never truly ready for that moment. And this is why last Wednesday and Thursday were so very frightening for me. My Doctor took blood, and told me not to be surprised if she diagnosed me as diabetic. Then she sent me on my way. It only took 24 hours for the results to come in, but trust, when you're waiting for news like that, you fill every second of every minute. Then I got an email from her through some online portal that I've only ever used once, which naturally meant I couldn't remember the password, which led to me be locked out of the site for 30 extra minutes after 3 failed attempts at logging in. So I sat, and waited, and waited, and waited some more. Finally when I was in, I was able to read that, while I am not yet diabetic, my A1c is level is 5.8. This means that I am high risk, prediabetic, and that I have to get shit together right now. I feel like this is going to be the final turning point for my weight, but I know that this is going to be a long and hard road that will last me the rest of my life. I am not optimistic, but then again, when have I ever been.

Now, let's jump ahead to this week. This unending, unyielding, and horrific week.

After some very upending work drama which led to weekend chocked full of high anxiety about my future, and life in general, I walked into election Tuesday with a nervous hope that everything would soon be over. This election, which sought to break each and every one us down further than Negan did to Rick, was going to finally come to a close. There was nothing left but to wait. I left work, went to rehearsal, and kept my eyes glued to my phone every minute I was backstage. Everything seemed to be going as expected. This was going to end just as it had been calculated. 

Then, all of a sudden, it didn't. 

When the smoke cleared, Amerikkka was there to show the world who it truly was. Donald Trump had been elected president. I still haven't been able to catch my breath.

Ever since Tuesday night, countless thoughts have run through my mind. I've experienced every stage of grief. Well, every stage but acceptance. I'm not there yet, and I'm not sure I ever will be. But the main thought, the main emotion that has underlined all others is fear. Pure, unshakeable fear. I have no idea how to overcome this, or at least move past it. It's Friday now, and as I write this I'm continuously seeing posts about the racists actions that Trump supporters have been perpetrating since Tuesday night. I feel sick. There's a ball of lava sitting in my gut that won't dissipate. I refuse to leave the house with my gun.

Now this next part is important, and it's for you, White People. 

I can't trust you.

Now I can already hear the "We're not all racists!" interjections that I would be sure to get if anyone actually read this. But let me explain why I can't trust you.

Obviously, not all white people are racist. I know that. Just about every black person in America knows that. And I am very close to many white people.  They know I love them. They know I don't hold them accountable for the actions of others who share their lack of pigmentation. But try to understand this: Unless I know you personally, and I know that you didn't vote for Trump, then I can't trust you. I can't trust that you didn't have an issue with his racism, sexism, homophobia, and xenophobia when you made your mark next to his name on his balance. I can't trust that his comments about sexually assaulting women didn't bother you enough consider another option. I can't trust that you don't have some deep seeded prejudice against immigrants, women, and people of color.  I can't trust that you didn't do this to us. 

And I hate this feeling. I don't want to have to eyeball every pickup truck I see suspiciously, because there might be someone inside of it that doesn't want me in Trump's Amerikkka. I hate being afraid for my half white, half Mexican girlfriend because some asshole may see fit to step to her and scream about deportation or some other bullshit that would certainly get me sent to prison if I heard it. I hate having a heart attack when I see a police car pull up behind me since a cop killing a black man in Trump's Amerikkka wouldn't even be a blip on the radar. I hate that when I see people praying for Trump's success as our leader that I want to immediately destroy something. I hate wishing for an assassins bullet to end the threat. I hate all of this. 

Somehow I have to find a way to keep going. To keep living my life as if it's just business as usual. But I don't know how to do that right now. And I'm not sure when I'll figure out. Hopefully, for my sake, it will be sometime soon.

#NotMyPresident

Little Dreams

Tonight, a dream of mine came true.

More on that in a minute...

Here's a picture of a statue of Pikachu, for no real reason

     As I'm writing this, I'm thinking of those in my generation, my peers, my circle of 20-something kids who are trying to figure out how to adult, but I suppose this will speak to all of those who need to hear it.

     We all have dreams. Big dreams that we desire to achieve, against all odds. Some people work harder than others to achieve there dreams, while some are forced to give up on their dreams in order to deal with life. No matter which side you fall on, one thing that's certain is that we all have dreams. And, for the most part, we all focus almost exclusively on the big dream; the "movie star" dream, the "rock star" dream, the "own a lucrative business that makes me a household name" dream. And who could blame us? These dreams represent the big picture that we want for our life, thus making it very easy for us to devote all of our energy to them. But what about our little dreams?

     You know, the little dreams of decorating your own place for the first time, or singing a song in front of friends and family, or writing something that gets published. These dreams are very easy to laugh off, or place on the back burner. In the grand scheme of things they can seem silly, and not worth the energy it takes to pursue them. These little dreams fall by the wayside, and we hardly even notice. But I think we should.

     Speaking from experience, I know how exhausting it can be to chase our big dreams. I still haven't created my own long running show, set and shot in St. Louis, to HBO/Netflix, and at this point, I'm not sure I ever will. But I keep going. Keep picturing it. Keep envisioning ways to go about achieving this. But it's hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever tried to do, and motivation wanes much easier than it comes. This is why it's important to have those little dreams. Achieving, even the smallest of dreams, can give you that boost you need. It can remind you that life still has good things to offer; that you can absolutely put your mind to something and attain it. It reminds you that you can win. And we all need that.

Tonight, a dream of mine came true. Tonight, I was cast in an upcoming production of Little Shop of Horrors. I'll be providing the voice of Audrey II. Tonight, I can finally tell my 8 year old self that dreams really do come true.

5 Years Ago....

Intro: Oh hello there. I know, it's been a while, but in all honesty, I just don't need this place as much as I used to. And that's a good thing. But, seeing as how it's my Nawlins Anniversary, I figured I should pop in and say what's up. But then earlier I read this thing. I don't even think it's a new thing, but it still hit me in all the feels, and gave me the idea to use it as the basis for my post. So that's what I'm gonna do.......Ok, intro over.

(Here's the thing I was talking about earlier. Read the thing. It's a good thing.)

Prompt: Explain your current situation to your five-years-ago self.

Hey Greg,

It's me, you. It's you. It's me and you. Sorry, I'm a little nervous.

If I'm remembering correctly, and I am, then you just moved back home after graduating, and you just started working at Best Buy. You hate that job, but you don't realize it yet. You're still happy that someone hired you, and they're teaching about computers. Just hang on, you'll only have to be there for a few months, and the money you save from it is really going to come in handy. And don't worry too much about the job. Pretty soon you'll be working at a movie theater and you'll love it, even though it'll take some time for you to warm up to it. You'll even meet your next girlfriend there, but it'll take even longer for you to realize it. Things don't last, but she was good for us for a time. 

I'm actually pretty excited for you. You're right at the beginning of the path that's going to lead you on a long and winding road you'll call your life. You're going to start working on television shows soon, which will be very exciting. That is, until you get laid off, and begin the period I've come to know as "Exile in St. Louis." It's going to be rough, I won't lie, but you'll grow from it, I think. At the very least you'll realize that you never want to go that long without a fucking job ever again. Just remember, stay close to Hannah. She's going to take care of you.

There's so much you still have left to come. Coolfire, the award in Vegas, tattoos, training, car accidents, Sweetie Pie's, anxiety, Producer credits.... And, believe it or not, in a few years time, you'll be packing up the car and heading west. You made it all to Los Angeles. You'll work and struggle out there for a bit, chalking it all up to "paying your dues" while wondering if you'll ever actually stop paying your dues. But the journey doesn't end there. In fact, I still haven't told you the best part.

Right now, you're sitting at a desk in your very apartment, writing this on your very on Macbook pro (yes, we made the switch awhile back. Get over it.), thinking back on your life and trying to figure out how you got here. A year ago today, you arrived in New Orleans and began working on a project that's unlike anything you've ever done before. It is going to test you in ways you didn't even know you could be tested, and, even though I can't say for sure at this time, you're going to be better for all of it. A few days from now last year, you're going to swipe Right on this cute girl named Amanda in this app called Tindr. Tindr is....well let's just say you're going to hate it, but it works out in the end. Soon enough, you and Amanda will start this amazing journey together, and before long it's going to be 10 months later, and you still haven't been able to figure out how you got so lucky.

I would love to say that you made it, kid. But I can't. What I can say, is that you're making it. You won't always see it, but life has been good to you, and I'm going to keep working to make sure that it continues to be good to you. 2011 was both yesterday, and a lifetime ago, and I still feel everything you're feeling right now.

Now, clean up the kitchen, finish that episode of Doctor Who, and get to work. The rest of your life is about to start.

Year 2: Week 25

She's asleep on my couch, and I don't know how I got so lucky.....

     I met her online, through an app on my phone. We first saw each other over burgers and beer. She talked and I listened. I gave her a ride home and she used the word "Fantastic." I don't know how I got so lucky.

She takes me to a party. We drink and dance. She introduces me to coworkers, and I kiss her on the sidewalk. I don't know how I got so lucky.

We walk along the river. She makes us official. She rubs my back while I watch Doctor Who, and I have no idea how I got so lucky.

Time flies by. We love and we fight. We paint and we watch. We laugh and we cry. I don't know how I got so lucky.

The world turns and the sun burns. I love her and she loves me. And all the while I watch sci--fi, she sleeps on my couch. I don't know how I got so lucky.

Year 2: Week 10

It has come to my attention that I don't handle stress very well. You could say that I am easily overwhelmed. Why am I so easily overwhelmed, you ask? Well...<Straightens tie. Arranges note cards. Turns on powerpoint. Clears throat.>...I'm glad you fucking asked.

     Failure. Failure is why I get so overwhelmed so easily. Or at least, the fear of failure. Here's how it works: First, I get a new job, or a new task at my current job. Then, my natural distaste for change kicks in simultaneously as my fear of doing things for the first time. For some people, this fear that kicks in is a challenge; an opportunity to shine. For me, it's a signal to retreat into an unproductive ball of nothingness. After all, I can't fail if I don't try right? RIGHT?!

     Wrong. So fucking wrong. I can't explain why my brain is convinced that not taking action isn't failure. I KNOW for a fact that it is. So why the shutdown when faced with something new and scary? I don't know. Perhaps I'm a coward. I'm almost sure that's it. Some people will try to convince me otherwise. I should try to believe them. But it's so hard when all you want is to get a good grasp on what it is you do for a living. When all you want to do is not feeling like the weak link on the team. When all you want to do is feel like you belong. When you're so underwhelmingly overwhelmed.

Year 2: Week 8

The River's Edge....

     I've missed the sound of the water. You'd be surprised at how easy it is to forget that you're surrounded by it at all times. I see the city and think of it only as brick and mortar, forgetting that the essence of what makes this place flows just beneath our feet. Here at the edge, it's so obvious. So beautiful and peaceful. I need more of this.

     Every inch of this place is drenched in history. So many stories of some many people. She reminds me of this. She lets me know that the world is so much more than just what I see out my window. So many people have walked where we currently stand. Makes me feel small and giant all at the same time. I love her history lessons. 

     Ships pass by in the blink of an eye. Some so close that I feel like I could reach out and run my fingers along the hull. I wonder where they're going. Where they came from. Who's the man behind the wheel. Has he found what he's looking for yet. She brings me back to shore. Keeps me anchored. Looking at her reminds me that I've got everything I'll ever need, right here at the river's edge.

Year 2: Week 6

My job seems to be having trouble getting their shit together, so until they do I'm going to use my time talking about something near and dear to me.......the Friendzone.

     I'm actually quite surprised that I haven't touched on this topic before, me having so much experience with it. Or maybe I have and I just can't remember? Doesn't matter. I'm still going to talk about it now.

     First off, we need to define which friendzone I'm talking about, because there are (at least) 2. There's the one that supposed "nice guys" love to bitch about. That's the one where if a girl doesn't fuck a guy after he does something like buy her a drink, or like one of her Instagram selfies, she's a huge bitch who treats "nice guys" like shit. That IS NOT the one that I'm referring to.

     The one that I am speaking of is the real one. The one where person A likes person B. Person B also likes person A, but not in the same way that person A likes them. Person B then goes onto pretend that person B's feelings don't really exist, leaving person A to admire from afar and hope that one day their friendship will transform into something more. Did I explain that correctly? I think I did because I threw up in my mouth a little bit while writing it. 

     What should come as a surprise to NO ONE, I have spent ample time in the friendzone over the years. It always starts the same: I meet a girl. I get to know girl. I tell myself to not, under any circumstances, develop a crush on her. I don't listen to myself. I crush so hard that it becomes obvious. After about 72 years I gather up the courage to say something. I'm rejected, usually with some bullshit line like "you wouldn't want to date me anyway." She then goes on to express how she really needs us to be friends, but will understand if I decide that I can't do that (effectively laying the burden of guilt on me if I choose to end the friendship). I stay friends (naturally) and admire from afar until some magical day comes along and lifts the spell.  It's an exhausting process that many follow through like fucking clockwork. I'm tired and frustrated just thinking about it.

     Now I know what you're going to say, "Greg, if you didn't want to be in the friendzone, why did you choose to keep being her friend?" Two reasons: 1. Shut up! 2. I, like many others, am simply not wired that way. Anytime we are given the opportunity to stay close with the person we have feelings for, even if only as a friend, we will take it, because in our confused and pathetic minds, there's still hope. As stupid as it sounds, we will cling to the hope that someday our friendship will transform into something more once that person sees how great we are. We think like this every single time, even though this scenario only ever works out in romantic comedies. That crush is like an addiction, and it's damn near impossible to quit on our own. Which is why I believe it is the responsibility of the crushee to eradicate the friendzone. NOTE: I am NOT saying that anyone owes anyone sex, or a relationship based off of your dynamic as friends. But if your "friend" is crazy about you, and you just don't feel the same way, do the humane thing and end the friendship. Don't tell them you just want to stay friends, and definitely don't leave the choice in their hands. Do the right thing and set them free. Sure it may be hard on both of you at first, but I guarantee that both of you will be much happier for it in the long run. You won't be burdened with the guilt of knowing that your friend is constantly wanting more from you, and your friend will be free to get you out of their system and move on to find someone that can love and appreciate them in the way that they deserve. Boom, happy endings for all.