Week 9/10

"I know I'm late and I took all year, but you can stop complaining cuz I'm finally here."- Kanye West

   

     Oh hey there, been awhile. Sorry about that. Due to life being all...lifey...I haven't been able to keep up with my regular once a week blog. Says a lot about me now that I think about it. Short comings aside, here's a recap of the last two weeks of my life. Spoilers: I watched a lot of Netflix.

   

     Hiatus: So last week (8/11-8/16) I was on hiatus, which basically means that they were tired of paying us and decided send us home for the week. Alas, Netflix ensued, and to be honest, it was nice to have a break. I hadn't really had much of a break since moving out here. Always either working or furnishing the apartment and what not. So things were chill. 

And then Mike Brown was murdered. And before mine and the countries eyes, my hometown was ripped apart. And there I was. Unable to help, and unable to escape it. And I'm not ashamed to admit I wanted to escape it. Being filled with such anger, and hatred is very taxing on the mind and soul. Even right now, as I type this, I still feel raw. I don't expect that to change anytime soon.

And then, before I could really digest what was going on back home, the world lost Robin Williams. And it hurt. And that was surprising, at least at first. But the more I thought about it, I recalled how big a part of my childhood he was. I mean, he was THE actor that every kid from my generation knew. And what's more, the circumstances surrounding his death, and the spotlight placed on his struggle with depression really hit home. I am one of many hundreds of thousands of people who suffer from depression, and it is so unfortunate at how people are made to feel about it. Depression is real. It's not a result of not looking on the bright side. It's not a choice of looking on the dark side as opposed to the bright. It is a disease, and I hope that more people understand that now.

   

     So in just the first few days of hiatus, the world completely went to hell. Thank God for friends from back home and alcohol!

I feel that I should also note that I spent a lot of time during hiatus struggling with self doubt. Thoughts of being in over my head plagued my mind. They still haven't really gone away. I think it's safe to say that too much time alone in your own head is a bad thing.

Summary of Hiatus: Racism, death, destruction, and self-doubt. Oh and I got some new swim trunks!

   

     Oakland: Finally back to work, this past Monday we loaded up our crew cargo van and headed up to Oakland. And when I say "we", I mean me and the other PA drove 6 hours up the highway to the Bay area while the rest of the crew got to fly up. Awesome.

But I can't complain too much. That first night we spent the evening across the Bay in San Francisco with a very old friend. It was nice to be away and share some genuine laughs. So for the rest of the week I made sure to spend as much time as I could in San Fran. Which wasn't hard to do considering that my alternative would've been to spend time in Oakland..........Oakland.

Admittedly the trip was stressful. A lot of running and gunning and flying blind. But ultimately the Bay was good to me, and I'm looking forward to heading back up.

Summary of Oakland: Cool breezes, stressful work, good friends, and not getting shanked. Oh yeah, I'm about 99% sure that San Francisco was once used a giant rehabilitation center for mentally ill people, which then shut down and all of the former patients are now homeless. Seriously, the homeless of San Fran are batshit crazy. Beware.

Which leads me to here and now. It's 3am, and while I should be sleeping, I'm sitting here typing out this jumbled mess of my mind just so that I don't disappoint the few of you who care enough to read. Is it wrong to find that endearing?

Week 8

"Everybody's somebody's everything." - Chance the Rapper

   

You know, I had a full on topic I wanted to write about this week, but in the light of recent events it seems small minded to focus on my problems when there is so much else going wrong in the world. But I also don't want to spend time talking about such events at length, when so much has been said already. So with that in mind, I'll keep this short.

Racism is alive and well, and in this WORLD, you are Black before proven innocent. What's going on in my hometown in heartbreaking, but what I find even more heartbreaking is just how unsurprising the entire situation is to me.

People are awful. Truly awful.

Depression is an ILLNESS and not a state of mind. No one is depressed because they're choosing to be, or because they're not looking on the bright side. Real people are suffering, myself included. If you don't understand the struggle, then keep your mouth shut.

Hook is STILL my shit and I have chosen to never grow up and become Rufio. DO NOT TRY TO STOP ME!

I love you. I really do.

"If you admire somebody you should go ahead and tell them. People never get the flowers while they can still smell them." - Kanye West

"Do not pity the dead....Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love." - Dumbledore

Week 7

Question: If you were apart of someone's dream...a dream that filled the dreamer with such bliss that he absolutely hated waking up that morning...a dream in which you were his love interests, and thus everything he's been looking for in a girl for quite some time...would you want to know? And think before you answer. Think about the possible romantic implications this could have for the two of you. This guy could just be a casual acquaintance, or someone that you too have had a lingering thought about before. Or he could be someone that you've never given a second thought to, and any implication of romance with this guy could turn your stomach. So, I ask again. Would you want to know?

Asking for a friend.

     So, this week will make it officially one month since I moved out here, and there is one very vital question I should've asked awhile ago; How do you make friends?

Seriously, how do adults in this day and age go about "making" friends? I used to have this whole concept down pat back in grade school.

     Now, admittedly, I've always had trouble putting myself out there. Years of psychological and social abuse from my peers have left me wary to ever appearing vulnerable. But, unfortunately that's what you have to do in order to make new friends. You have to be open, and inviting, and most of all, willing to spend time with people that you have nothing in common with. Ugh, I'm exhausted just typing it out.

     Why can't your core group of best friends just always be around? Everyone else can come and go but your road dogs, your main men, your homies through thick and thin will always be there. But that's not how it works. That's not how anything works. Instead, the moment you're comfortable everything has to be changed. This is the true way of life. You keep moving. Or you die.

     Ok, so maybe that's a bit dramatic, but you get what I mean. The point is that it's very lonely here. Knowing people and being "friends" with them are two completely different things. That's something I learned when I moved back to St. Louis after graduation. I had hoped that things would be different out here, but so far, not so much. Oh well.

P.S. The apartment is finally to a point where it is acceptable to be seen by human eyes, other than mine. So feel free to stop by if you find yourself out here. That is, if anyone actually read this far.

Week 6

I've been drankin....I've been drankin.......no seriously..........

     So in another attempt to do something different, I decided to write this blog after having a few drinks. (I've only had one glass of wine.....after having a full bottle of wine.....shut up). So today, I'm going to talk about dreams, and the cost of following them. But first, I need to refill my glass.

10 minutes later........

    In just the last few days I have been told multiple times that I am making people proud by doing what I'm doing. I've been told that I am a rare gem amongst a sea of individuals who like to talk, but never do. Just earlier today I was told that I was such a smart guy that I would move up fast in my industry.

     Now, while I do appreciate all of the praise, and I sincerely do, and while I will pat myself on the back for what I've done out here in such a short amount of time, I would just like to say, that I haven't done anything that someone following a dream hasn't already done. I'm not a trailblazer, or a pathfinder, or any other cool sounding name for a fictional hero. I'm just a guy. I've never been special. All I've ever wanted to do was keep my head down and go about my business. And for the record, this is not self deprecation. I'm just stating cold hard facts like a Coors light commercial.

   

 I moved out here for one simple fact. I could not do what I love to do in St. Louis. My options were to uproot my life and relocate it else where, or settle into some minimum wage job, hope to move up to middle management some day, and basically chalk those 4 years I spent in college up as an extended vacation with free lessons in alcohol tolerance.

     All of that being said, my point is this, ANYONE can follow their dream. And I mean absolutely anyone(yes, even you!). As far as I can tell, we only one life.One chance here. Why spend it doing anything other than following your dreams? Are you afraid that it will cost you money? What else would you rather be spending it on? In the grand scheme of things, it costs us nothing to follow our dreams. Yet so few people actually do it. And that's a shame.

     Now, all of THAT being said. I can not, and will not say that following your dreams will be easier. Nor will I say it will work out for you in the end. Because, to be honest, I don't know where this road will take you. I don't know where it's taking me. I haven't had enough time to fail, or succeed at what I'm doing. All I know is that everyday is a challenge that scares the shit out of me. But where would I be, if not here?

P.S. If you ever need reassurance that things aren't as bad as they could be, spend a few days out in the desert. It's 108 degrees in the shade, and thanks to climate change, has the ability to be as humid as a gorillas nut sack. After spending 3 days out there, I was finally able to call this place home. And that's something.

Week 5

Let's talk about sex baby...let's talk about you and me....let's talk about all the good things and the bad things we can be...let's talk about sex....

Ok, let me explain.

     I figured this whole me giving little updates on my day to day life out here was getting old for all 3 of you that read this, so let's change it up a bit.

     Let me start by saying that moving is a very lonely process. And it doesn't really help that just last night I was hit with the pretty fucking obvious realization that for the first time in my life, I live alone. Completely alone. Why did it take so long for that hit me?

     One thing I've noticed since coming out here is how my mind has started to focus incessantly on girls back home. Some of whom I've never actually thought about before. So why now? No doubt, my desire to be back home where things were simpler and less scary has started to manifest itself in the form of feelings for girls who remind me of those simpler and scarier times. Which essentially just makes things worse because it leads me to thinking about home even more.

     And just to make things more interesting, I've started to discover that loneliness causes you to think about sex ALL THE FUCKING TIME! It's bad enough being a guy and not being able to go more than just a few seconds without thinking about it, but now it seems that thoughts about sex are on a constant loop in my head. As you can imagine, it makes it very hard to concentrate Especially in a place like L.A. where beautiful women are plentiful.

So what to do?

Nothing I guess. Wait for things to even out and become normal. Seems to be what I've been doing for a few years now.

P.S. Just in the event that someone was interested in my day to day out here, I'll tell you that my apartment finally seems to be coming together now that I have internet, cable, and a queen size sofa-bed from ikea. Which reminds me, at some point in  your life, either you or someone you know will want to go to ikea on a Saturday. As innocent as this may sound, you should NEVER go there. Your future and well being will depend on it. JUST SAY NO!

Week 4

It doesn't get easier, does it......Yeah I didn't think so........

     So it's officially been a week (and 2 days as I write this) since I moved here and I have yet to reach a point where I haven't been exhausted. Between work, buying and moving stuff into my apartment, and not having a real bed to sleep on,  figure it's only a matter of days before I have some sort of psychotic breakdown. But you know, yay for following your dreams and shit.

   So how's life in the big city, you ask? It's FUCKING EXPENSIVE. Granted, I knew this would be the case before I came out here, but there's nothing like experiencing it first hand. It damn near makes me sick to my stomach to think about what I'm paying for the size apartment I have. I can't help but to keep looking back at place we had in Springfield, or the places I looked at in St. Louis. Maybe that's my problem, I keep looking at the past. But who could keep from doing it when the future seems so daunting?

     I know I know, I should stop complaining. I mean I did it, right? I made it here. I left St. Louis, unlike everyone else who just like to talk about leaving. I'm following my dreams.....

Maybe this time next week, I'll be able to be excited about all of that.

Week 3

 
 I find that one of the greatest compliments someone can ever give me is to tell them I make them laugh.

And that has absolutely NOTHING to do with this post.

     Let me just say that no matter what you're going through, how you feel, or what you think, life will work itself out. That being said.

HOLY SHIT!!!

     A week ago I was at home in St. Louis, completely stressing about the next few days to come. As heavy as I felt, I also felt as if I was gliding along, but not in a euphoric, "I just took some really great X" sort of way. Everyone kept asking me if I was excited for the move but I could never bring myself to say yes. To be honest all I could think about was how much I didn't want to go back to not sleeping in my own bed. I didn't want to leave my family room chair (that I hate with a passion). I didn't want to leave my dog Shadow. Here I was, on the verge of finally doing what I've been wanting to do since 2011, and I didn't want to leave.

     But on Friday morning, leave is exactly what I did. Me and my father made the 1800 mile trek to my new "home" of Los Angeles. And I must admit, no matter how this may make me look in your eyes, I cried the moment I dropped him off at LAX. I couldn't help it. It was at that moment where it felt real. Where I felt my life had completely changed and there was no going back, no matter how much I may have wanted to.

   But eventually my tears dried, and I started on the long list of things I needed to do. And after 5 days, I can say that I have both a job AND my own apartment. Don't ask me how. I have no idea how all of this has happened so fast, but I do know I am completely exhausted.

And it's only just beginning.....