Week 35

     I debated on whether or not to write this, but then I figured what good would it be keeping it in. So here it is, another post from the heart, full of sadness and despair. And if that's not your thing, then I don't know why you came here in the first place. All I've ever written if what's inside of me. Not to please or pander to anyone else, but to express myself in hopes that it would help. So in that vain, here goes.

I don't know if I can do this.

     I mean, I really don't know that I can keep up this life. Freelancing is...something else. I've been here nearly 8 months, this is the end of my first job, and already I'm burnt on this. Waking up everyday, begging people to hire you, and going home to wait desperately for the phone to ring. What was I thinking getting into this?
   
     Actually, I know what I was thinking. I was thinking I had done it. I had found my true calling. The path that would lead me to a career that would mean happiness for my days to come. Things were simpler then. Dreams were brighter, and the hope of attaining them still felt real. I just wanted to make movies and television. To be a part of the programs that I, myself, found so much joy in watching. That was all I wanted.
   
     And here I sit, in a little pink room, in a little suburb of one of the largest cities in the world, and at any given moment I'm on the verge of complete and total failure. This past week proved to me that I am not ready or equipped to handle the magnitude of adulthood. Not without a proper job, that provides a proper income. This working temporarily and then hoping and waiting for something else to come along just so that I can get by is pointless.

Problem is, I don't know what else I would do.

And so I just keep sitting. hoping for...I don't know....something. And I get that things are just hard right now, and in a week or two I'll be feeling differently about the whole matter. Only, what if I don't? I think the scariest thing about this week, about all of this, is that for the first time since moving here, I wanted to go home. And that is absolutely terrifying.