It's been awhile, as you know. I don't really see you in the same light as most others, and that is what's kept me away for all of this time. Don't get me wrong, I acknowledge your existence, as evidenced by this current writing, but, I am not the one who will sing your praises from sun up to sundown, even when everything has gone to complete shit. To me, you more like that absentee father who comes into to town once every blue moon yet demands respect as if you've been there all along. But even in that sense, I have to acknowledge that you did give birth to me, as well as the rest of the universe, so why not ask for a little support?
Oh, but first I should probably reintroduce myself a bit. I doubt you actually remember much about me.
About Me:
I'm fat. I felt it necessary to lead off with that sense it seems to dictate every other thing in my life. I'm told you have a reason for doing everything "you do", so I can't wait to find out why I was chosen to see the worst from people as a reflection of my body image from such a young age. I hope it's a good'un. Let's see, what else? I curse regularly, drink heavily, eat the shittiest of foods, and I'm always in love. I'm extremely self-aware, yet still lack the fortitude to actually fix my flaws. I spend the majority of my time watching well written television shows and clamoring to the dream of one day writing well written television shows (without writing nearly as much as I should be). I'm asthmatic, have a nasal spray addiction, and can't grow facial hair (seriously, uncool). I also LOVE to sing yet lack the ability to write or play any music. There's more, but I do actually want to finish this some time this year, so I'll just leave it at that.
About My Job:
I HATE my job. Seriously, I hate it. I spent four years in school learning about the wonders that go into creating television and films only to be forced to spend my days working in reality television. That's like a zoology major working part time at Pet Co. I want to write. I want to create. But how the fuck do I do that exactly? I'm all ears!
About My Friends:
I don't have many. Sure I have those that care about me, and I them, yet I never seem to be around them for very long. And I want that to change. I want my brother out of Little Rock. He's better than that place. Better than everyone he's surrounded by. He's got more potential than any other human I've ever met and yet he's back held down in a Podunk town. I want him to escape. I want him to strive. I want the match that will light a fire under his ass. He deserves it, and you know it.
About My Love:
I'm tired of always being the one in love, but never the one to be loved. Look I get why it's difficult to find girls interested in me. But it would be nice, if, at least for a little while, I could stop having so many fucking feelings. But hell, while we're on the subject...
I want my best friend to realize I'm in love with her. Or maybe she already does, in which case I want her to stop pretending that it's not the case. I want her to realize that I don't expect her to feel the same way, but to understand and maybe show compassion, for I am but a slave to my emotions. I want her to be happy. I want the world for her. But mostly I want YOU to take these feelings away, so I don't have to stop being her friend.
About My Future:
I want light at the end of the tunnel. Right now I see nothing. I don't remember what hope feels like. Only fear, and anger. I want to know that it will be ok. I want to feel safe.
This is my prayer. And I send this, not out of greed, or desire, but desperation, and a longing to feel what so many others claim to. I'm asking you, God who art in Heaven, fora little help.
For thine is the Kingdom
And the Power
And the Glory
Forever
Amen
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