All I Want for Christmas is Peace of Mind...

No clickbait this time. If you clicked this link you should already know what you're in for so let's get into it.

Long-time readers will remember that my family and I recently relocated to Los Angeles in the blink of an eye back in July. We did this for many reasons, one of which was that I would no longer have to spend long periods on the road away from my family in pursuit of the all-mighty dollar. So naturally it would come to pass that one of the best job offers I've had in a while (one that came as a direct result of being physically back in L.A.) would require me to spend the better part of 2 months on the road between January and February (during which I will turn 35, and Eliana will turn 2. Yay for missed birthdays!). So of course now I'm forced to ask myself which road do I take. Do I turn one way, take the job, expand my network, accept the highest rate I've ever been offered, and finally move my career forward after years of stagnation? Or do I turn the other way, stay home with my family, risk alienating potential career allies, and hope the universe rewards me later on down the line? No pressure.

It doesn't help that I'm in more debt than I have ever been in my life with no hope of relief. 

It doesn't help that I am in an incredibly negative headspace right now and feel that time away from home is exacerbating it.

It doesn't help that for the last few years I've watched people that started long after me soar past me onto bigger and better things, while I round out my 10th, yes 10th, year as an Associate Producer. 

It doesn't help that I'm in consideration for other jobs that have just as much potential to be huge for me as they do being nothing burgers.

It doesn't help that I'm a coward who's afraid of failure and feels more comfortable turning down a job I'm scared I won't do well at instead of taking it and proving to myself that I can, in fact, succeed in new areas.

It doesn't help that I feel like no matter what choice I make I will, in some way, be letting my family down.

I just want to do the right thing at the right time all of the time. Is that so much to ask for, Santa???

My Family and I Moved Back in with my Ex...

 Now that I have your attention...

As you may, or may not know (or care), my family and I relocated to Los Angeles (my ex) in July. Even though this was something that we had talked about for years and years, the move was sudden and I'm honestly still not sure how we pulled it off (yes I do; it was our AMAZING support system of loved ones in NOLA that made it, both, possible (physically) and extremely difficult (emotionally)).  But we're here now, and here comes with a lot of baggage that I have been STRUGGLING to carry.

    Now before I dive into all of my problems (this is MY coping blog after all so I'll cry all I want to), I am happy to say that Amanda and Eliana are having a much better time of it than I am. Amanda has an amazing new job where leadership actually appreciates what she brings to the classroom (unlike those other prison pipeline factories (my words not hers) back home), and Eliana is thriving as a little Rufio to her Lost Boys classmates. 

    As for me, well that's why we're all here now, isn't it? We moved here for the sake of my career. After all, this is the motherland for all things entertainment, so naturally I should have many more job opportunities out here, right? I mean, it was I who sent a faithful text one night suggesting we (finally) move out west, wasn't it? So naturally one would assume I'd be fully in my element in The Golden State, right??? Well, about that...

    I always knew that coming here would have its challenges. Having lived here before during one of the most challenging times of my life, I was cautiously optimistic that history wouldn't repeat itself. But since we've been here I've gotten into a car accident that I was 100% at fault for, received a parking ticket,  fully believed I was going to have my license revoked, and feared that our youngest dog, Ghost, was going to have to be put down. And that was all just in the first 3 weeks. Super exciting right?!

    Of course, ever looming over our heads is the issue of money. More specifically, us not having any. Moving across the country overnight is expensive and our savings had to bear the brunt of it all. And I don't even want to get into the mountains of credit card debt we're now in. Let's just say that the secret to living your life is a never-ending game of financial Tetris. No matter how fast you move, the bills just keep coming down on top of you. And this high-stakes arcade game has been made all the more difficult with the fact that 2/3rds of our home back in NOLA has sat vacant since early August, for reasons we can't understand. "Passive income" is one of the biggest grifts of our generation. 

    Now I'm not saying it's been all bad. On the contrary, there are many great things about living here. The weather, the diversity, the weather, the educational opportunities, the weather... Hell, we only live 15 minutes from the beach. No highway driving necessary! And have you ever seen a Star Wars film at the Hollywood Bowl?! Swoon! But the good things arn't what have brought me back to blogger.com.  

    Since moving here I've lost my therapist (I do have a new one but I don't think it's going to work out). I've lost Krav Maga. I've lost competitive shooting. I've even lost barbecuing and crawfish boils. All of the little things that made life more enjoyable currently only exist in my rearview mirror. That's not to say that they're gone forever. But as of this writing, I don't know when I'll be able to bring them back into my life. I can barely afford to be miserable, so leisure activities are definitely out of the question.

    Last week 2 separate people on 2 separate occasions commented on how, let's say "unbecoming", my recent statements on money were. I reacted to both defensively but realized later my comments were the result of my mind being consumed with the anxiety of not being able to afford the life my family needs and deserves. I'm completely embarrassed just thinking about it.

I just want to be able to provide for my family without being a burden to them. I want (NEED) these strikes to end so we can all get back to work.

I want to be able to afford an EV because paying for gas feels like I'm punching myself in the dick.

I want to be a Story Producer.

I want to write freelance in my (very little) downtime.

I want to feel better.

I need to be better.