Week 19

Damn glad that week is over with. Now just for the rest of this month.....

     

     I assume that for most people there are weeks in which we can't possibly figure out how we'll survive. This was definitely one of those weeks for me. Each day was a test of fortitude and patience, and I'm pretty sure I failed most of them. And yet, through it all I'm still here. I made it.

So then why am I still so bummed out?

     Halloween is usually my favorite time of the year. The temperature cools, the leaves change color, pumpkin spice lattes are back on the menu, and all things scary are openly accepted. It's wonderful. 

But this October has been anything but. Between the psychotic things going on at work and a magnificently disappointing personal life (see Memoir), this Halloween season has been pretty damn awful. Here's a perfect representation of what my 18th week of living here did to me:

     Cue week 19. Everything we've been filming thus far has led up to this week. And holy shit did they make us earn it. It's been quite a while since I've been this physically and mentally exhausted. Earlier this evening my dad had to remind me that I had spoken to my mother on the phone just the day before. I honestly thought that conversation happened a week ago. Damn. 

     And here I am, having survived the first 3 weeks of this month, and what is my reward? Halloween is on a Friday and yet I have zero plans. I haven't been to a single haunted house, which is my FAVORITE thing to do during this time of year. And, what's worse, Christmas commercials have already begun to run on television, which just makes me miss home. Jesus. When do the bad times become the good times again?

     

Memoir

A 42.
Bouncing on my heels as I wait for the boarding to begin.
I stare at the carpet trying to memorize the design. It hits.
This isn't happening. It's already happened. Boarding didn't take forever.
That's just how I remember it.

Stepping into the rail car. It's different in the day time.
7 stops until I get there. May as well be 50.
The stinging heat of the car isn't enough to dispel my thoughts.
I'm still on the train. It's taking me back from whence I came.
I've arrived already. The first ride is just what I remember.

Civic Center. My phone rings and she says she can't find me.
I say look left and we're in each others arms. It doesn't happen there.
A walk, a talk, and bus ride. A tour and introduction.
A change of clothes and another bus ride.
The first night that I'll remember.

Thumping music and tall glasses. Adios.
The dance floor is empty but that's never stopped her. She's all it needs.
Songs I've never heard become instant favorites. Thinking of heading to the floor.
The glass is empty and I feel every drop. Time to move to the next spot.
This place was fun. I wonder if I'll remember it.

A few blocks away we find our next stop. A black and purple logo light the way.
Inside we find more drinks and more friends. The night is turning out right.
A drink or 3 and it's time to dance. I haven't been this ME in long time.
Dancers line the wall as we decide to move on. Back to the last place that I remember.

The Cafe welcomes us back with ID checks and cover charges.
The dance floor is filled now. Looks to be more welcoming.
Everyone picks their spots. Mine is never far from her.
That's where it happens. Lips lock for the first time. Almost 10 years in the making.
"Am I wrong? For thinking that we could be something for real?"
That's how I'll always remember it.

More drinks in more places. Future hangovers beckon us home.
I sleep next to her. This night won't be easy for anyone.
And just as if it were sent as a punishment, soon the sun is pulling us from the safety of sleep.
Everything hurts. Not a pain killer in sight. I still smell like last night. Can't stop smiling.
Breakfast and laughs. A tale of computer love and a nap. Not a bad way to remember it.

The time has come. The reason I'm here.
Another change of clothes. Friends becoming friends. An evening walk.
The line outside stretches across the square. Excitement grows as the marquee becomes clearer.
So many pretty faces. So many beautiful bodies. And what I remember is not caring.

Our crush kicks it off. We each admire everything about her.
She's gone too quickly. The worst. Then it's the man from the Studio.
Before I know it, it's finally time. The King of the Fall. Jam.
By the end my throat is sore from singing every song. We all leave in bliss.
That's how I want to remember it.

So many emotions wake us the next morning. There wasn't enough time.
Good feelings are still fueled from the night before. I just want to lay here.
A nice talk after the show made everything alright. Still there's nothing harder than the leaving.
She cleans. Everything. I wonder if I've done something. But I think it's what I'm about to do.
Another walk. Another bus ride. A kiss and long embrace. I head down into the train station.
Wanted to look back is all I can remember.

In an instant I'm back. Really no time at all.
Like coming down from a high. I just wait to see what I feel like doing next.
I clean. Everything. It helps, or so I tell myself. I think she would be proud.
I try not to text her, message her, or call. I don't know if I'm doing it for her or myself.
I know more had to happen this day, but I just can't remember it.

Tuesday. I've never liked them. No reason to at all.
Back to work. People notice my smile. I let them assume why it's there.
And then it's gone. My phone keeps buzzing as her messages roll in.
It's not working. It's too much. It can't be done. We can't be.
I've been here before. I don't remember how to feel.

Now it's all gone. Nearly 3 days of what I needed and I can't see it anymore.
I know that it happened. I know I had a great time.
I know I made friends. I know made friends of friends.
I know I jammed out, and laughed hard, and fell all over again.
I know I had the time of my life and I know there was something there.
I just wish, with everything, with all that I am, that I could remember it.

Week 16/17

Civic Center - Powell - Montgomery - Embarcadero - West Oakland - Lake Merritt - Fruitvale - OAK
............................................................Aaaaand we're back!

     Damn, it's been awhile. What the hell have I been doing with myself??? Oh yeah, that's right, LIFE! 

Real talk though, I never got a chance to post last week due to work becoming insane damn near overnight. Not that I had much to write about anyway since I was once again on hiatus for the week. But just like Kotter must have said before they started singing to him, I'm back. So here's an update on all the lifey things that have been happening.

     After the hiatus, work hit came back with a vengeance. The 4 days we worked this past week felt longer than the first 3 months on the show. Now on the bright side, it's very likely that we're getting extended until 2015. But after this first week I'm already feeling burnt out. Not to mention I've been feeling like it's way passed time that I moved up in my career. Being low man on the totem pole doesn't do much to motivate one to look towards the future. Truth be told I think about changing careers just as much now as I did when I jobless and living in my parents house. Safe to say I just don't know where I'm headed or where I'm supposed to be. At what point do things start to make sense?

     It's also very possible that the reason this week seem to drag along slower that a walker without feet is that I had a weekend getaway in San Francisco planned. Back in July a good friend of mine thought it'd be a good idea to get tickets to the upcoming King of the Fall tour featuring Jhene Aiko (LAWD HAVE MERCY), Schoolboy Q (meh), and The Weeknd (Abel THA GAWD).  Though I'm only one day removed from the concert, I'm going to go ahead and say that it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. But not because of the concert, which was amazing (read: FUCKING AMAZING), but because it gave me the perfect reason to spend time with someone. 

     

Over the past few weeks, since my week in Oakland, I've been lucky enough to have had a budding relationship with a face from my past. Funny how things work out like that. She's a really cool lady, and somehow hasn't realized how much of a nerd I am or just how, let's say "disheveled"  my life is. So do me and favor and don't tell her. Thanks.

So yeah, that's pretty much it. What's up with you guys?

Week 15

....Ok, let me explain.....

                                

     So, needless to say, last week I was a little heated. Not that I didn't have good reason, but maybe I should've found a different way to vent my frustrations.

Actually, thinking about it, I'm ok with how I handled it.....Yup.

     But, that doesn't negate the fact that there was a much bigger issue here. A lack of communication. One or two conversations could've rendered what happened last week to a non-event. But because not talking in an attempt to avoid confrontation seems like the easiest option, things got out of hand and friendships were lost. And that's sad. But also necessary. After all, you don't want to go too long with the wrong type people in your life, right?

Oh, and while I'm clearing the air, let me address the morbidly obese elephant in the room.

     White people. I know for a FACT that not all of you are racist. I know that many of you live in perfect harmony with people of all colors, creeds, and Twilight character preference. And I also know that many of you are just as disgusted by the recent events of the world. But there is something that I, and every other person of color needs you to understand. Accepting racism is UNACCEPTABLE.

     If you have a friend, acquaintance, coworker, or whatever who fundamentally believes the color of someones skin makes them less of a human being, you have an obligation to your own species to show that person that they are wrong. Simply accepting this as a quirk of their personality, like listening to Nickelback, is NOT OK. You accepting this behavior is further ingraining the idea that this type of behavior is acceptable. IT IS NOT! By not being part of the solution, you are, in fact, being part of the problem.

Moving on.

     In case you didn't know, communication is vital in life. Regardless of whether or not you actually like to communicate with other people, and believe me I often hate it, you just can't go without it. And too often do people go without saying the things they should. So just say it. Open your mouth and say it. It's really that simple. And in that spirit:

To Whom It May Concern,

     I really like you. You make my life more than alright.