Lottery Tickets

     For as long as I can remember (and, in fact, before I was born) my father has faithfully played the lottery every week. When I was younger, this meant hopping in the car on Saturday night and heading east on 270 until we crossed into Illinois. We'd take the first exit and pull into the seedy little strip with a bar on one end and a liquor store on the other. I used to secretly wonder if the bar was a strip club...never was able to confirm. Once inside my dad would head straight to the register to get the process started (he has quite the complicated order. I still don't understand it, despite having been sent out to get his tickets for him numerous times since coming of age.), and I'd head to the candy isles, knowing full well that he would buy me anything I wanted. This was such a normal part of my life growing up that I never stopped and wondered why he did it. What was it that made him start this ritual all those years ago. Sure, he's won a few times, although never anything life changing, but he's never been the "get rich quick" type. So what was it?

     

     Maybe it was this feeling I have now. This constant feeling of unknowing; Of uncertainty; Of constant agonizing anxiety. Maybe it started when he was feeling uncertain of how he was going to be able to provide for his wife and kid? Maybe he was desperate to feel in control of something, anything, and going out and buying that ticket is what he came up? If that was the case, then I get it. That's exactly how I feel right now.

     My job here is coming to end, and I'm terrified. I moved here for this job. This job is the only job I've had in almost 2 years. Everyone I know here, knows me in reference to this job, and thanks to shit this company has done since we started operating in New Orleans, that is not a good thing. I basically have to start over. I'm starting over in a place that is already suffering from a diminished Film and Television tax credit, while having no shortage of production workers. So far, I haven't even received a response, let alone an offer, from any place I've sent my resume to. I don't know what I'm going to do. In about a months time I'll be unemployed and have no clue how I'm going to support myself. My lease doesn't even end until August. My girlfriend and I are planning on moving in together when that happens, but as right now I don't even know how I'll make it to August. So maybe this is it? Maybe this is what causes people to head to the nearest gas station and start playing the numbers? Maybe having a handful of tickets is the only thing that gives those people hope? Maybe it's all they can think to do?

     I don't know. I don't know anything at all right now. How do people do this? How can it be so hard to just be normal? Why is it that I no longer daydream about lifestyles of the rich and the famous, but about having a 9 to 5 that let's me pay for the most basic of bills? How do people think about this stuff and not cry? Is this what life is supposed to be?