Week 9/10

"I know I'm late and I took all year, but you can stop complaining cuz I'm finally here."- Kanye West

   

     Oh hey there, been awhile. Sorry about that. Due to life being all...lifey...I haven't been able to keep up with my regular once a week blog. Says a lot about me now that I think about it. Short comings aside, here's a recap of the last two weeks of my life. Spoilers: I watched a lot of Netflix.

   

     Hiatus: So last week (8/11-8/16) I was on hiatus, which basically means that they were tired of paying us and decided send us home for the week. Alas, Netflix ensued, and to be honest, it was nice to have a break. I hadn't really had much of a break since moving out here. Always either working or furnishing the apartment and what not. So things were chill. 

And then Mike Brown was murdered. And before mine and the countries eyes, my hometown was ripped apart. And there I was. Unable to help, and unable to escape it. And I'm not ashamed to admit I wanted to escape it. Being filled with such anger, and hatred is very taxing on the mind and soul. Even right now, as I type this, I still feel raw. I don't expect that to change anytime soon.

And then, before I could really digest what was going on back home, the world lost Robin Williams. And it hurt. And that was surprising, at least at first. But the more I thought about it, I recalled how big a part of my childhood he was. I mean, he was THE actor that every kid from my generation knew. And what's more, the circumstances surrounding his death, and the spotlight placed on his struggle with depression really hit home. I am one of many hundreds of thousands of people who suffer from depression, and it is so unfortunate at how people are made to feel about it. Depression is real. It's not a result of not looking on the bright side. It's not a choice of looking on the dark side as opposed to the bright. It is a disease, and I hope that more people understand that now.

   

     So in just the first few days of hiatus, the world completely went to hell. Thank God for friends from back home and alcohol!

I feel that I should also note that I spent a lot of time during hiatus struggling with self doubt. Thoughts of being in over my head plagued my mind. They still haven't really gone away. I think it's safe to say that too much time alone in your own head is a bad thing.

Summary of Hiatus: Racism, death, destruction, and self-doubt. Oh and I got some new swim trunks!

   

     Oakland: Finally back to work, this past Monday we loaded up our crew cargo van and headed up to Oakland. And when I say "we", I mean me and the other PA drove 6 hours up the highway to the Bay area while the rest of the crew got to fly up. Awesome.

But I can't complain too much. That first night we spent the evening across the Bay in San Francisco with a very old friend. It was nice to be away and share some genuine laughs. So for the rest of the week I made sure to spend as much time as I could in San Fran. Which wasn't hard to do considering that my alternative would've been to spend time in Oakland..........Oakland.

Admittedly the trip was stressful. A lot of running and gunning and flying blind. But ultimately the Bay was good to me, and I'm looking forward to heading back up.

Summary of Oakland: Cool breezes, stressful work, good friends, and not getting shanked. Oh yeah, I'm about 99% sure that San Francisco was once used a giant rehabilitation center for mentally ill people, which then shut down and all of the former patients are now homeless. Seriously, the homeless of San Fran are batshit crazy. Beware.

Which leads me to here and now. It's 3am, and while I should be sleeping, I'm sitting here typing out this jumbled mess of my mind just so that I don't disappoint the few of you who care enough to read. Is it wrong to find that endearing?

Week 8

"Everybody's somebody's everything." - Chance the Rapper

   

You know, I had a full on topic I wanted to write about this week, but in the light of recent events it seems small minded to focus on my problems when there is so much else going wrong in the world. But I also don't want to spend time talking about such events at length, when so much has been said already. So with that in mind, I'll keep this short.

Racism is alive and well, and in this WORLD, you are Black before proven innocent. What's going on in my hometown in heartbreaking, but what I find even more heartbreaking is just how unsurprising the entire situation is to me.

People are awful. Truly awful.

Depression is an ILLNESS and not a state of mind. No one is depressed because they're choosing to be, or because they're not looking on the bright side. Real people are suffering, myself included. If you don't understand the struggle, then keep your mouth shut.

Hook is STILL my shit and I have chosen to never grow up and become Rufio. DO NOT TRY TO STOP ME!

I love you. I really do.

"If you admire somebody you should go ahead and tell them. People never get the flowers while they can still smell them." - Kanye West

"Do not pity the dead....Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love." - Dumbledore

Week 7

Question: If you were apart of someone's dream...a dream that filled the dreamer with such bliss that he absolutely hated waking up that morning...a dream in which you were his love interests, and thus everything he's been looking for in a girl for quite some time...would you want to know? And think before you answer. Think about the possible romantic implications this could have for the two of you. This guy could just be a casual acquaintance, or someone that you too have had a lingering thought about before. Or he could be someone that you've never given a second thought to, and any implication of romance with this guy could turn your stomach. So, I ask again. Would you want to know?

Asking for a friend.

     So, this week will make it officially one month since I moved out here, and there is one very vital question I should've asked awhile ago; How do you make friends?

Seriously, how do adults in this day and age go about "making" friends? I used to have this whole concept down pat back in grade school.

     Now, admittedly, I've always had trouble putting myself out there. Years of psychological and social abuse from my peers have left me wary to ever appearing vulnerable. But, unfortunately that's what you have to do in order to make new friends. You have to be open, and inviting, and most of all, willing to spend time with people that you have nothing in common with. Ugh, I'm exhausted just typing it out.

     Why can't your core group of best friends just always be around? Everyone else can come and go but your road dogs, your main men, your homies through thick and thin will always be there. But that's not how it works. That's not how anything works. Instead, the moment you're comfortable everything has to be changed. This is the true way of life. You keep moving. Or you die.

     Ok, so maybe that's a bit dramatic, but you get what I mean. The point is that it's very lonely here. Knowing people and being "friends" with them are two completely different things. That's something I learned when I moved back to St. Louis after graduation. I had hoped that things would be different out here, but so far, not so much. Oh well.

P.S. The apartment is finally to a point where it is acceptable to be seen by human eyes, other than mine. So feel free to stop by if you find yourself out here. That is, if anyone actually read this far.